Favors from a Crowd

Ale told us how his friends often ask for school related favors, e.g., what is English homework for tomorrow, on Facebook. He normally lets others respond, but today he woke up and saw a question for which he knew the simple answer. So he quickly answered it. When is it better to ask entire groups for things as opposed to specific individuals? A few rules of thumb we came up with:

- If the request is very easy to address and it is time sensitive, asking a group often works best. It is likely that someone will see it soon and be willing to answer it.

- If the request is a complex or difficult one, it is often best to ask a specific individual. Why? If you ask a group then nobody feels that they have to help you because you are not asking them specifically. But if you ask your friend William "can you please pick up my math homework today" William knows you are counting on him and will at least let you know if he can't do it - in which case you can ask someone else.

- In some circumstances you can separately ask multiple people. This makes the most sense when it helps to have several people helping. For example, if you need a recommendation for a music teacher, getting multiple recommendations would be a good thing. On the other hand you wouldn't want more than one person trying to pick up your homework!

Thinking Outside the Box

Cindy & I came back from a trip early Sunday morning. We knew the Bay to Breakers were that morning but assumed we would be able to get from the airport to our home. But as we entered the city we realized we simply couldn't drive home. The race cut the city in half and would do so for the following 4+ hours. I started to think about what to do for the following four hours... Check into a hotel, hang out in a park... Cindy then suggested that we drive to the point of the race closest to our house, park the car, cross the race on foot, take a taxi home, then go back to pick-up the car later. We did exactly that and it worked perfectly. Why didn't I think of that??? It is such a better solution than what I was thinking. My problem is that I was thinking inside the box. My box was my car and I wasn't considering separating from it. How do we catch ourselves from thinking inside boxes? Whenever the answer to a problem is not good stop and identify your constraints. Then reassess whether the constraints are real or artificial. Suggest "crazy" alternatives and ask "why not?". Your crazy suggestion might not be viable, but a variation might.

Little tips that make a big difference

Last week I learned to ride a foil kite-board. The first day I tried I could not even get started. As soon as I tried the board would tilt and prevent me from getting on it. Then a fellow kiteboarder gave me a simple tip: hold the board perpendicular to the water and get started while the board slowly becomes parallel to the water. With that approach I got going right away! I've had similar experiences learning other things: something seems very difficult until someone gives you a trick or tip to do it more easily.

When learning something new and difficult, look for tips from those who know how to do it. But be careful about who you ask. Most people, particularly the experts, don't know (or can't communicate) the "trick". Often it is those who learned recently who remember what made it happen for them. Also, the trick is not always the same for everyone, so you might need to get several until you find the one that works for you. And, if you see someone struggling to learn something you know, tell them what what the trick is.

Bad Habits

Paco spoke to us about bad habits and how learning something incorrectly can make it harder to master than not learning it at all. He gave us the example of learning a piano piece incorrectly and then even though you find out the correct way of playing you keep playing it wrong. I agreed and suggested the importance of thinking carefully about how you first learn things that might be (or clearly are) important. For example, 90+ percent of olympic gold medalists in sailing learned to sail in a particular sailboat called the Optimist. I believe that is because this is a boat that teaches kids good habits for sailing. There are other sailboats where kids might learn to sail but they might generate bad habits and negatively impact their future sailing abilities.

Giving Up

One of the boys is having a hard time with one of his school subjects. He felt he had "blown it" this school and would do a better job next year. Cindy and I told him there was no reason to write the whole school year off (for this subject). There are still seven weeks of classes - which is plenty of time to turn things around. Besides, if he wants to do a better job next year he should start now, so that he starts next year with positive momentum.

In the car I spoke with the boys about when to give up and "write things off" and when to keep trying. We used several sports analogies: a soccer match that is going very poorly. If you have another match afterwards you might want to save some of your energy for the next match, so it might be smart to give up on the first match. But if not, you are probably better off trying your best until the end of the match. Even if the score is desperate, you might learn something or at least change the momentum of the game and end in a good note. This might also be a good situation to try something new, take some risks. Besides, you never know... I recently was in a kite race which seemed hopeless. I considered withdrawing but didn't. Then some of the racers in front of me tangled and I ended up doing well.

We also spoke about arbitrary constraints. For example, deciding to retake your diet "next week" because you already blew it "this week". What do the days of the week have to do with dieting? There is no benefit to wasting additional days and starting again next Monday.

Play your own game

Nico had his first tennis tournament last weekend. He did pretty well: won 2 out of 3 matches, and was winning the 3rd 5-1 before loosing in the tie-breaker. One of the other parents gave some advice to his daughter that I thought was spot on. He told her to just focus on the ball & the court, and forget that she was playing in a tournament. Easier said than done, but wise nevertheless. We often get distracted or defocused when we think too much. Our "flow"goes away. I believe that is what happened to Nico in the match he lost. A sailing analogy comes to mind: when approaching the upwind mark (on the layline) you sometimes find yourself a bit short of the mark. If you miss it you need to make two costly extra tacks. Yet if you focus too much on sailing to the mark you often sail sub-optimally and miss it. A much better approach is to ignore the mark - to remove it from your vision - and just sail as high and fast as you can. When you get close enough to the mark you'll know if you made it, and you maximized your chances by sailing at your best. Paco mentioned he feels the same way when playing soccer...

Of course, some people thrive in pressure and play extra well in competition. I guess you need to know yourself... Also, some moments are truly game changing (the point to break the serve, the crossing before the mark, the penalty kick to break the tie) so winning them is key. Some people can best do that by focusing on what is at stake - while others are better off ignoring the pressure and just playing their own game.

When things change

We spent half of our drive today on the speakerphone with Cindy adjusting our afternoon plans... There is a school event that I was scheduled to attend because Cindy had to take Nico to tennis at the same time. A few days ago the time of Nico's tennis practice changed but we didn't asses, until the last moment, the impact that that had on the rest of our plans. Not a big deal today, but this reminded of more important situations in which circumstances change and we don't adjust accordingly.

A typical situation is when we make a plan based on certain constraints, some of the constraints later change, but we forget to adjust the plan optimizing for the new constraints. For example, we plan a trip on a certain day because something prevents us from leaving earlier (even though earlier would be better and cheaper). The constraint goes away but we leave the trip as is.

Sometime we overreact. We come up with a well thought out plan initially but at the last moment something changes. We then improvise a new plan which can often be worst than the original - due to the hastiness of the planning. Maybe the new plan was no longer viable, thus we have no alternative but to change it. Yet sometimes the original plan remains valid and we mess things up trying to over-optimize.

Takeaway? Think of the implications when things change. Make sure everyone who is involved is aware of the changes. Discuss whether the changes require a change in the plan, or whether a change is optional. Either way, if you need to make a new plan, try to put as much planning & thinking into the new plan as you did into the original one.

Selling Yourself in a World of Hyperbole

Paco recently applied to a very competitive summer program. He was not accepted. I reached out to the director of the program to try to understand which aspect of the application had been the weakest. Was it the grades (straight As)? the tests (#1 in his school)? the work samples? Turned out it was the essay in which Paco didn't convince the admissions committee that he was well rounded enough and a social enough kid that would contribute to the program. Real bummer because Paco is as well rounded & social as they come (soccer team captain, class delegate, jazz band player, competitive chess player, kitsurfer, etc, etc, etc). Yet he didn't do a good enough job at conveying these things in his essay. I actually read Paco's essay before he submitted it and remember thinking that it could be a lot better, yet the application instructions clearly stated that the parents shouldn't help with it, so I assumed they would factor in his young age when reading the essay. I wonder how many other parents did the same, and how many helped their kids...

The first time I applied to Stanford I got turned down. A friend asked me to see my application and his immediate reaction was: "of course they turned you down! you need to sell yourself better". I rewrote the application making a concerted effort at showing my accomplishments and strengths in the  best possible light and got in. This was just a matter of selling yourself. But what about exaggerating beyond the facts? Another friend who was applying to Harvard Business School shared his application with me. My reaction: "a) this is not you, and b) some of this supposed accomplishments are so outrageous I think they will realize they are not true". I was wrong. He got into HBS. Furthermore, I later found out that a very large percentage of the applicants who get into top programs stretch their accomplishments way beyond the truth.

The fact that many people cheat doesn't justify cheating. That should be a VERY clear line.  We do need to make sure we present ourselves in the best possible light. And we need to work early toward goals such as attending a particularly competitive academic program, so that when the time comes, the application mostly writes itself.

Find your own directions

Last weekend Alejandro was meeting some friends for lunch. I asked him where and he said they had said that at the Bow & Arrow sculpture, so he had asked his friends for the exact address. I told him he could have found the address online in seconds and to try to avoid asking others for things he can easily get himself. A silly example of this is asking for the time. Nico doesn't wear a watch and frequently asks me what time it is. I almost always tell him to find out on his own. There are dozens of devices all around that show the time (phones, computers, microwaves, etc). By asking me to stop whatever it is that I am doing to look at my watch and tell him the time, instead of looking up the time himself, Nico is implying that my time is less valuable than his.

An entrepreneur once asked me to meet with me to get my advise. I agreed and suggested the lobby of a hotel. The entrepreneur responded by asking me for the address of the hotel. Either the entrepreneur didn't know that you can look up addresses online in a matter of seconds (hard to believe) or he felt that my time was less valuable than his (also hard to believe!). This was a particularly egregious example, sometimes the information you need is not as trivial to get as a street address. Still, before bothering someone else for it, you should give it a try on your own.

Evolutionary & Genetic Baggage

Paco was wondering where shyness came from (evolutionary wise). I said maybe shy people got into less trouble than extroverts... There are many traits that were valuable in the past but no longer are, e.g., eating as much as you can when food is available. It is useful to understand the origins of these thins so that we can do something about the ones we don't like.

At a different level it is also good to understand the genetic origin of our personality. What comes from mom? What about dad? It is sometimes easier to see traits in others than in ourselves... And yet at another level some of our traits might come from reacting to our parents. For example, we might be very quiet because we hated how loud our father was - and want to make sure we are not like him.

Broken Race Board

I recently traveled to a kiteracing competition in Mexico. Unpacking at the hotel I was devastated to discover that my raceboard had been badly damaged during the trip. We had traveled all the way to Mexico but without my raceboard I wouldn't be able to compete. Worst still, there is a year long wait to get a replacement board like mine. And, needless to say, the airline is not going to do anything for me.

Yet it turned out that things were not as bad as I thought... With the help of my fellow kiteracers (who fortunately include the best in the world) I was able to patch the board so that I could use it during the competition. I then remembered that my credit card had luggage insurance. I contacted them and they say that indeed they would cover my loss, but that I first had to file a claim with the airline. I filed the claim with the airline, not expecting anything but just so that my credit card could process the claim, but to my surprise the airline agreed to reimburse me the full cost of a new board (go Virgin America!). I do have to wait over a year for my new board, but in less than three weeks the board maker performed a pretty good repair to my damaged board, so that it is totally fine to use for now.

Couple of takeaways I shared with the boys: things are often not as bad as they originally seem. Give them a bit of time and be pro-active about making things better. I almost left my broken board in the hotel and gave up entirely on the competition, but the fact that I took it to my friends to see if there was something we could do made all the difference. And even if the odds of something might be long, i.e., getting a reimbursement from an airline for damaged luggage, you should always give it a try. Sometimes you will be pleasantly surprised.

Schools are Obsolete

This morning I watched with the boys one of my favorite talks from last week's TED conference: TED Prize winner Sugata Mitra talking about the future of education. I hope none of them end up in the principal's office today!

Incomplete Solutions Can Do More Harm Than Good

Laws requiring the use of a hands-free system for talking on the phone while driving are killing people. Why? Research shows that what distracts us is not the fact that we have the phone in our hand. We are perfectly capable of driving safely with one hand. The distraction comes from the phone conversation. To decrease accidents and safe lives we need to decrease the use of phone conversations while driving. Hands-free or no hands-free. Yet by requiring the use of a hands-free system these laws send the erroneous message that it is safe to talk on the phone while driving - as long as the phone is not in your hands. So more people end up talking on the phone while driving and more people end up in accidents. A perfect example of a well intentioned partial solution that does more harm than good!

Granted, forbidding phone conversations while driving would be very difficult. Most new cars now incorporate a hands-free system. And millions of people every day make their commute more bearable by talking on the phone. Still, governments should be discouraging ALL distractions while driving, not arbitrarily forbidding some and sanctioning others. More importantly, they should realize the best solution (maybe the only solution) is to remove humans from the equation all-together. Sure, self-driving cars will have lots of issues, yet these issues pale in comparison to the millions of lives they will safe. But I am getting off topic here...

The Secret to Happiness, Good Health & Fortune

A few months ago I wrote a blog post about routines. I gave that post the "catchy" title Routine Sex. After doing so I wondered if that title was going to have a significant impact on the number of people that read that post. What do you think? Sure enough, even though the content of that post is not particularly better nor worst than my typical post, it has now been read by more people than any other of my posts. Titles matter.

What about The Secret to Happiness, Good Health & Fortune? Well, after writing this post I couldn't leave its original title, Tittles Matter, alone. After all, who would read a blog post with such a boring title?

Speed Quarters

I went to a networking retreat this week. This is a common thing in Silicon Valley. A bunch of people who work in the same industry but at different companies get together around an activity such as skiing or kitesurfing. There were about 30 of us staying in four different houses. At one point I went to the main house and found five people about to start a game of Speed Quarters. They invited me to join them which I did. For those not familiar with Speed Quarters, it is a drinking game. You have to bounce a quarter on the table and into a shot glass. If those around you do it better than you you get to drink a  lot... I think the last time I had played Quarters I was in college, so I have to confess I was a bit apprehensive at first. Yet playing seemed like a better alternative than seating in a corner with my iPad. Anyway, we played for about an hour and it was good fun.

As I recalled the experience the next day I realized there was more to it than a bit of fun and alcohol. The experience, as silly and superficial as it was, created a stronger bond among the players than anything else that I did during the retreat. Imagine that at some point in the future I am involved in a business transaction with some of the retreat participants. With whom am I likely to be able to be more candid and direct? With the person I had a "business" conversation or with the person I played Speed Quarters with? I will soon forget most of the conversations that I had during the retreat, but I won't forget the game of Speed Quarters.

Special and intimate experiences boost personal relationships. I imagine this is why fraternities, religions and other such communities have rituals and traditions that at first seem silly, or even backwards. They create lasting bonds... So boys, do silly things with your friends! Of course, be safe & respectful. Our Speed Quarters game was right before dinner and none of us drove there.

The boys only had one question for me: had did I do in the game? Well, I started very poorly. I couldn't get the quarter in the shot glass at all. But then I hit my streak and did pretty well. Only ended up drinking a bottle of beer (which as a lot less than the person who did worst drank).

Bucket Lists

Alejandro wanted to talk about bucket lists. Are they a good idea? I had a few thoughts to share:

As much as possible we should do the things that we want to do now, not in some distant future. Who knows what the future holds? We might not be into the same things then or might not be able to do them anymore.

If you can't do something yet, maybe because of your financial situation or schedule, put a plan in place to do it as soon as possible. If you need money, save it. If you need time, make it.

The anticipating and preparation can be as much, if not more enjoyable than the goal itself. For example, if you want to buy a sailboat it can be great fun to research the possibilities, do sea trials and visit boatyards. Same applies to visiting a distant place or buying a house.

Another reason to act on your desires is that fulfilling them might help you discover your passions. You might initially think that going scuba diving is something you just want to do once, but after you do it you might realize you love it and want to do it more. You might become a professional scuba diver! You wouldn't want to wait 20 years to go scuba diving and then regret you didn't devote yourself to it. On the flip side you might realize the experience was not as fun as you thought, which would lead you to explore other activities sooner.

Be careful with goals you are unlikely to achieve in the near future. It can become frustrating to have a goal that remains unachievable year after year. I think it is fine to have ambitious long term goals but try to break them down into smaller more achievable components. Stepping stones if you will...

I asked the boys what each would put in his bucket list:

Ale: shave with an old fashion blade.

Paco: go skydiving.

Nico: act in a good movie.

Step Functions

Paco spoke about how some learning curves follow "step functions". You are flat for a while, then boom! you move up. Then flat for another while, and up again. He experience that when learning to kitesurf. I mentioned other learning curves: linear, exponentials, logarithmic.

Nico didn't know what a logarithmic curve was. I explained that you improved very fast early on but as you became better it took longer and longer to make incremental improvements.

These curves are easy to identify once you see them in perspective but if you just look at too small of a section of the curve you might mistake one for another. For example, exponential or logarithmic curves look like linear curves in some areas, and the time horizon is not always clear. It might be seconds or minutes for some things, e.g., some chemical or biological reactions, but centuries for others, e.g., climate change, evolution. And of course when we are learning in a step function it often feels flat and frustrating. So we need to remind ourself there is a step down the road that we will eventually climb.

Slippery Slopes & Tires

Nico spoke about slipper slopes. He had a friend over who wanted to exceed their allotted screen time by "just a couple of minutes" and Nico said no, it would be a slippery slope. I mentioned that some slopes were slipperier than others. In the example of the screen time, while a couple of minutes might be a short time, the fact that you are exceeding your limit is clear and absolut. The limit was 120 minutes and you are at 122. Yet other situations are much less Black and White. For example, what does it mean to avoid distractions while driving? Texting is clearly a distraction, but what about looking at the navigation system? How about changing the music? Speaking on the phone hands free? If you wanted to avoid slipper slopes you probably shouldn't do absolutely anything not strictly related to driving while moving. Don't adjust the climate control, don't talk to a fellow passenger. This might seem excessive, and I doubt anyone would go this far, but where to draw the line is not at all obvious...

The topic reminded of the myth about the Nordstrom customer who returned a set of car tires. Nordstrom was a pioneer of great customer service and would accept any return with no questions asked. Supposedly a customer once returned a set of tires even though Nordstrom doesn't sell tires! Maybe this was Nordstrom way of avoiding slippery slopes: if the customer says he bought something at Nordostrom and wants to return it, they would take it. If they start asking for receipts or checking inventory lists they would enter a slippery slope that might end up with some customers becoming unhappy.

De Tal Palo Tal Astilla

Ale had a significant insight recently: he is, at least to some extent, the result of the genome that he inherited from Cindy & I. He realized that he has traits that come from Cindy and traits that come from me. He sees them. This also made him realize that he is probably more similar to his brothers than he thought - since they also inherited their genomes from Cindy & me. He asked Paco & Nico if they had realized this and both said no.

I thought this was very cool. We obviously see in our kids the traits that come from us, but I think most people don't see the flip side until they are adults. And the implication about Ale's brothers was great. I wonder if Ale will now have more patience with them and a greater realization that, in many ways, he was like Paco & Nico when he was their age - and still is like them in many ways.

Of course we have tens of thousands of genetic traits (or is it millions?) and many are only carried, but not active in our parents. So each person, apart from identical twins, is unique - to a point at least...

I asked Ale about the specific traits from Cindy & me that he recognized in himself but he wouldn't tell me. I am very curious...

[Spanish: De tal palo tal astilla. English: From such stick such splinter].

No Explanation Necessary

I read a story in yesterday's newspaper about dealing with friends and relatives who invade our privacy. The author suggested establishing clear boundaries and stating clearly those things we rather not discuss with the "offending" friend or relative. A specific recommendation resonated with me: don't provide explanations for your requests. If you do, there is a good chance the conversation will become about your explanation rather than about your request.

For example, suppose a relative always calls when you take a trip. He probably wants to check to make sure you arrived OK to your destination. Yet you don't like this. You could simply say: "please don't call me when I am taking trips" and leave it at that. Or you could offer explanations such as "because I am tired when I get home, or, I have a lot to do after trips, or, the airplanes are often delayed". If you do, there is a good chance your relative will respond by suggesting you take fewer trips or use a different airline. Before you know it the conversation is no longer about your request for him not to call you. You are now discussing how to make you more amenable to talking on the phone after your trips!

Disclaimer: the above mentioned "relative" is totally fictitious. Any resemblance with an actual relative of mine is entirely coincidental.

Proofreading

A few days ago a friend asked me if I would be willing to put a friend of his in contact with the CEO of a company where his friend wanted to work. I said I would be glad to do so. My friend, who is a successul Internet entrepreneur, forwarded me an email from his friend with her resume and cover letter. I forwarded the email to the CEO of the company and cc'ed my friend. Within hours the CEO replied saying he had forwarded the information to the appropriate person. But a few hours later he sent us another email telling us that my friend's friend had already applied for a job in his company and that she had misaddressed her original cover letter to another company. This seemed like a particularly serious mistake given that she was applying for an administrative position in which attention to details was very important.

Not only had my friend's friend blown her chances of getting the job, even though she had an endorsement directly into the CEO, but she had embarrassed her friend who had gone out of his way to help her (by asking me to make the connection). Why did I tell this story to the boys? Cindy and I often give them a hard time when their school work, or anything else they do for that matter, has any typos or mistakes. The boys typical response is that an extra space, comma or letter is not a big deal. And it is probably true that in most circumstances a small error wont make a big difference (unless you are programming a spaceship for a Mars landing of course). Yet if we don't get into the habit of always proofreading and double-checking what we do, a mistake will at some point catch up to us - like it did for my friend's friend. I, for example, proofread every email I send (even if it is a silly one to a friend). And I am amazed at the number of emails that I get with typos and errors. Now, let me proofread this post before I embarras myself. I hope my spellchecker is working...

Routine Sex

Paco spoke to us about the power of routines - and how they get you to do stuff you would otherwise struggle with. For example, one of Paco's routines is to wake up at 6:15am ever weekday to do his piano practice. Since he has been doing this he no longer worries or struggles about practicing the piano. It simply happens "automatically" every morning... I mentioned I feel the same way about my swimming: when I swim with the masters team every monday, wednesday and friday from 12:30 to 1:30 it just happens. Otherwise, I stress about finding the time to exercise (and doing so properly).

We spoke about the importance of avoiding exemptions. I've found that unless I am "religious" about not missing a single workout it becomes a very slippery slope from missing one because of an important meeting to missing  most for all sort of "important" reasons. Being strict also reduces stress: no need to decide what justifies breaking the routine and what doesn't. Nothing does.

We then spoke about whether doing something as a routine rather than spontaneously takes any merit or value away from it. Is it less meaningful if you call your grandmother every Friday afternoon (as a routine) instead of when you think of her? What about if you want to make an act of kindness every day thus enter a routine of doing "something" every day at lunchtime? How about a routine of saying something nice to your significant other every morning after you wake up? I don't think making something a routine takes anything away from it. It sure makes it more likely that you will do it - which is what matters the most.

Now, don't ask me about the title please ;-)...

Anti-Inertia

Nico made an intriguing observation this morning: after our car slows down and comes to a full stop our bodies move backwards instead of forward. Shouldn't our bodies move forward, due to inertia, as the car stops? Since we were in the car we conducted an experiment to validate Nico's observation. Sure enough: once the car stops, our bodies moves back, not forward. What is going on? After a second experiment we figured it out: As the car is slowing down our bodies do move forward (very gradually because I am a great driver who slows down gradually ;-). But, when the car stops completely, the negative acceleration that is moving our bodies forward disappears so our bodies move backwards to settle into their normal pose. What Nico perceives as backwards motion is just the "undoing" of the previous forward motion. But because the forward motion is so gradual he barely notices it.

We sometimes experience similar contradictory emotions: have you ever felt bad at the end of a great experience, such as a vacation? I have. The great experience makes us feel particularly good, but when it is over we return to our normal emotional state - which by comparison feels bad (even thought it felt just fine before the experience).

Two takeaways:

1) We are very sensitive to sudden changes, even if they are small. Try to perform activities that generate small but frequent positive feelings. These are better than infrequent ones that generate hugely positive experiences or those that are so gradual we can't appreciate.

2) When you have to go through a negative experience, do the opposite: go for one big sudden blow, rather than lots of little ones. Or, make it so gradual that you can't notice it.

Pricing - From Used Kites to Homes

I sold one of my used kites yesterday. I did it fast: posted it on the kite forums at 8am and took it to FedEx by noon. I probably sold it too cheap. Pricing can be such a challenge! But, at least for a used kite, I prefer to sell it cheap and fast than to spend weeks (or months) trying to sell it (for an extra $100). Sometimes, you can start with a high ask price then negotiate with lower offers (or proactively lower the price) but the risk is nobody will bother to make an offer - or pay attention when you lower the price. Sometimes you can start with a low price and let potential buyers bid the price up. That is the ideal outcome when selling a house: the low price attracts lots of interest but the scarcity generates bids that maximize the sale price. The risk there, of course, is that all you get are offers at the low price you asked for - but in that case that is probably the fair market value.

A completely different approach to pricing is utilized by airlines: they constantly change their ticket prices based on time, capacity, trends, etc. We've gotten used to the same product being sold to different people for radically different prices. This is something we normally don't accept. Imagine if Apple asked you $1,000 for an iPad because it knew you could afford it?

Be Kind

Today Paco spoke to us about the importance of being kind to people - at least a small gesture each day. He mentioned that one of his teachers had been sick and that when she came back he asked her how she was feeling and that she greatly appreciated his concern. Why is this important? Well, what goes around comes around. Be nice to others and others will be nice to you. I also told the boys about research that shows that being kind to others makes us happy. So it is not simply about altruism or about a quid-pro-quo, but also about doing something that on its own merits gives us fulfillment.

Ale mention that we shouldn't be kind to others hoping to get something back. I agreed and added that those who don't focus on what's in it for them normally end up getting more back. Like entrepreneurs who start companies to build something great rather than to make money often make more money than those whose focus is the money itself.

Breaks to Routines

I just came back from spending a week in Brazil. Half of the time I was running from business meeting to business meeting, but for four days I was in the small town of Buzios at the South American Kite Racing Championship. I had plenty of "down-time" on my own walking on the beach... It was a real break from most of my routines: away from Cindy, away from the boys, away from friends and colleagues, from my town, home and bed... So what? While I must confess that I was lonely, it also felt good to break from my routines. You get to appreciate the things you take for granted. You get to assess how important they are for you. Which routines your truly miss and which ones you might want to change when you get back home.

Management teams have off-sites or board meetings every so often to focus on the forest rather than the trees. Individuals should do the same. At least once per year, take a break from the inertia of your routines and the typical daily distractions and think about what is important for you, with whom and doing what you want to spend your time.

The morning after having this conversation I noticed that Paco was having breakfast before his routine morning piano practice session (he normally practices the piano first, then has breakfast). He told me he was changing his routine ;-).

10

Ale is wondering why humas are obsessed with the number 10... Could there be 11 digits (or 9) between 1 and 10? Would it make a difference or is 10 arbitrary? Nico has been studying the Babylonians. They had a base 60 numeric system!

I mentioned that binary base only has two values and exponentials of 2, which is why our phones and tablets have 16 gigs or 32 gigs or 64 gigs...

the cat is out of the bag

I suggested that Facebook should have a feature allowing users to delete all the comments and posts they ever made. Yet after further thought I realized this wouldn't work. Once you make a public post on Facebook there is no turning back. The post is indexed by search engines such as Google and it can't be completely deleted. Like the expression says: once the cat is out of the bag, you are out of luck.

slow motion wrecks

We spoke about the devastation caused by hurricane Sandy. We have a saying in Venezuela "Guerra avisada no mata soldado, y si lo mata es por descuidado" (War foretold doesn't kill soldier, and if it does, is for carelessness). But is that really true? We would like to think that timely warnings allow us to avoid disasters. Yet they often don't. Take Sandy, for days it was advertised as the biggest storm to hit the East Coast in decades. And it played out like a slow motion train wreck: massive flooding,  power outages, deaths. Some catastrophes are simply unavoidable. The power generators in low lands were going to get flooded no matter what- and a few days of warning didn't make a difference. I do wonder about the thousands of people whose belongings got ruined in their basements and ground floors. Seems like they should have had time to move stuff, at least the computers!, to their attics.

I wonder how much effort will go into minimizing damage when the next monster storm comes. Whether that happens in a year or 20, it will happen, and no amount of wishful thinking will prevent that...

the safe side

Paco spoke to us about the "Safe Side". In situations in which you can get things just right, there is often a "safe side". For example, you probably won't be able to arrive to all meetings at their exact start time. The safe side is arriving early - by giving yourself extra time. In soccer, a topic close to Paco's heart, it is better for the goalie to be a bit too far back than a bit too far forward. In sailing, a topic close to my heart, it is better for the sail to be a bit too loose than a bit too tight, and in sailing races, it is better to overstand the laylines to the marks than to come short of them.

Yes sometimes there is no safe side - you'll fall just the same on either side of a tightrope! And sometimes you have to get things just right if you want to "win". Take the olympics, for example, most gold medalist don't win by playing it safe but by nailing things just right. I guess the circumstances often dicate what's necessary: if you have enough of an advantage you can usually play it safe and still win, but if your are behind or tied, you might need to go for it and risk ending on the "wrong side".

We Need Sparks

Paco is doing a creative writing workshop at school. He shared an interesting observation with us: he finds inspiration for his essays in the most random and trivial places. He described it as a spark. A spark doesn't need to be big or meaningful, yet it is essential. Just like you need one for a bonfire. All the wood in the world won't give you much fire without an initial spark.

I have found most creative processes are similar, which is why I rarely have brilliant ideas in the shower. I need the sparks that the world around me give me. I have most of my ideas while talking with people. Something someone says acts as a spark for me.

I explained to the boys this is one of the reasons we travel and take them places. To give them lots of sparks & fuel (more on fuel below). We also spoke about how ideas often evolve far from their original spark and how the most "random" sparks sometimes generate the best ideas. Think about a cigarette that sparks a giant forest fire. What resemblance does the giant fire bare to its original spark?

Of course fuel is also important - probably more so. A spark on a tiny wet branch won't generate much of a fire, yet a large pile of dry wood will lit fast and large. Our fuel is made from our lives' cumulative experiences. We have to accumulate fuel and expose it to sparks.

Unintended Consequences - Carbon Crunch

I read today how the European Union carbon quotas are increasing pollution rather than decrease it. Asked the boys if they could guess why and they figure it out: manufacturing is moving to other countries, such as China & India, where there are no carbon quotas, and where energy is more polluting than in Europe. This is typical of government regulations that fail to take into consideration the entire picture. We should be careful about partial solutions that are described as flawed but better than nothing. Often they are worst than nothing!

Cabeza de Raton o Cola de Leon?

Ale spent part of his summer at the Walden School of Music. He discovered that most of the other participants were much more advanced musically than him. It was a surprise because in his own school he felt like one of the most advanced students musically. He told us this realization was both good and bad: good because you can improve a lot by surrounding yourself with people better than yourself, but bad because it can be discouraging to realize you are not that good (at least not yet). Paco mentioned he had a similar experience when he changed soccer teams a year ago.

I suggested that a few factors can tilt these type of situations towards good or bad. If you realize your are not as good as others but you could, say by devoting more time and effort, then it can be quite motivating. But if you realize you just don't have the talent, and wont catch up no matter how hard you try, then it can be demoralizing. Another dimension to consider is the extent to which you enjoy the activity, despite your lack of mastery, and the extent to which you can improve, even if you remain at the "back of the pack".

I shared with the boys a personal example: when I was in high school I thought I was a math genius. I wanted to be a mathematician and was fortunate to get into MIT. But once at MIT I realized I was very far from a math genius. Plenty of my fellow students were an order of magnitude better than me at math. And it wasn't a matter of effort. They understood math intuitively in a way I couldn't. Fortunately, I soon found another discipline in which it was the other way around: I took a class at the business school and discovered that I had an intuitive ease and understanding of the subject that most other students lacked. On top of that, I really enjoyed it.

If you enjoy something, though, it doesn't matter how good (or bad) you are. Take kiteracing. I am pretty bad. But I enjoy it. Furthermore, when I kite near the really fast sailors, I go faster myself (until I fall so far behind I can't see them). It probably does help if you are making progress. I will probably stop kiteracing if I ever feel I am no longer making progress in it.

Mouse's head or Lion's tail.

Foundation

Paco is reading Isaac Asimov's Foundation series. In it Earth sends some of its smartest citizens to worlds on opposite end of the Galaxy to create new civilizations because Earth is destroying itself (or something like that. It has been many years since I read it). Paco wondered if the descendants of that first generation would all be smart as well. We all agreed that they wouldn't, but that on average they probably would.  But we didn't think "smarter" people would necessarily build a better civilization. Plenty of smart people have done terrible things... We discussed emotional intelligence and how Doc Martin doesn't have any - even though he is very smart. Seems like smart people with low EQ get alone just fine with others that also have high IQ but low EQ. But not with other people.

Now Now Now!

Nico's turn. He wondered why he can happily enjoy a few minutes in bed before he has to get up to get ready for school and really but dread waking up at the very last moment. From 6:50am until 6:59am he is happy. But at 7am, when he has to get up, it hits him all of a suden - particularly on Mondays such as today. I ventured that humans evolved to value the present a lot more than the future (even the near future). It is probably the same reason why most people struggle to save money or stick to a diet. The pleasure of the present overrules the benefit of the future.

I feel like Nico when I have to swim on a cold day. I am fine until the moment right before I have to jump in the pool. At that point I really dread it. But I shouldn't because I know that within 10 minutes I'll be warm from swimming and after an hour I'll be feeling great from the exercise. Still, an hour seems like a century away when my toes touch the cold water!

What to do? Try to avoid making decisions in that last minute when all that matters is the immediate future, e.g., impulse purchase or unscheduled snacks. And generate enough momentum in your life towards the (longer term) things that matter more. For example, after I've driven to the club, parked my car, changed into my bathing suit, and walked to the edge of the pool, there is no turning back.

Don't Answer the Door

I read yesterday, with amazement, the tale of how Lance Armstrong and his cycling team tricked the anti-doping authorities for years. We discussed it this morning and I told the boys that I thought their best avoidance technique was also the simplest: not answering the door. Apparently when the officials went to their homes to test them they would simply pretend they were not there. How simple! Surely beats spending hundreds of thousands of dollars developing hard to detect drugs.

Hackers often use an equally simple approach to infiltrate computer networks: call an unsuspecting user and trick them into divulging their password "Sally, this is John from IT, we are doing a back-up and I want to make sure all your information is safe. Can you please tell me your password". Who needs supercomputers with fancy algorithms?

Sometimes a simple, low tech, and inexpensive approach provide the best results...

Back to Lance, the most amazing aspect of the story, of course, is the number of years during which this deception took place. It is incredible that something of this magnitude can be sustained for so long. But, as has been shown in many other instances, e.g., Bernie Madoff, it sure can. We shouldn't lower our guard because someone, or something, has been "legit" for a long time. And I guess the "bright side" is that sooner or later, the truth comes out - or does it?

Engine Failure

A SpaceX rocket docked with the International Space Station today. During its launch yesterday one of the engines failed. Fortunately the rocket's computer was programed to redistribute the fuel and power to the remaining engines to keep the rocket on course. How cool!

It is often better to account for the possibility of mistakes, and to have plans for addressing them, than to avoid them entirely. Sometimes it is simply a matter of economics and probabilities: it might be cheaper to have redundant engines (or computers or people) than to make sure an engine will not fail under any circumstance. Crowdsourcing is a bit like this: rather than finding the foremost "expert" on a topic you can often simply tap the "wisdom of the crowd".

Nico is training tennis so I used the example of learning to hit a good forehand: positioning is very important. You can't be too close or too far from the ball. But you won't always get the position right. So you must learn to compensate for your positioning mistakes - rather than focus exclusively on getting your position always 100% right.

Dilemmas

Someone is doing something that is annoying me a bit. Yet I am reluctant to bring it up because I am afraid I might offend him. I asked the boys for advice. I laid out my options with the pros and cons of each. The boys gave me good feedback and I decided to simply ignore the person's behavior. During the conversation several interesting points came up:

1) Explaining a dilemma to others can often help you answer it yourself. Pretty much by the time I had finished describing the situation and possible actions to the boys it had become clear to me what I should do.

2) How you explain your dilemmas has a big impact and how helpful others can be. I have found that it is particularly conducive to good feedback when you lay out the possible answers with an analysis of pros and cons of each - as opposed to just sharing the dilemma and asking for feedback.

3) The boys feedback was mostly in the form of "do this", "try that". I encouraged them instead to help me reach my own conclusions by asking me questions such as "if the person gets offended, how long is that likely to last?", or "how much does the behavior really bother you? Could you live with it indefinitely?". There are at least two benefits to this approach. First, the person with the dilemma is probably in the best position to answer it. Second, the person with the dilemma sometimes needs empathy more than advice.

Naked in San Francisco

It seems that a plaza or two in the Castro neighborhood of San Francisco have become popular hang out places for nudists. Some people have complained about this so today a bill will be introduced by one of SF's supervisors that would ban nudity in public places. I asked the boys what they thought about this. Their first reaction was to ask if this would ruin the various fairs and events in which some San Franciscans participate naked, e.g., Bay to Breakers, Folsom Street Fair. The answer is no. The bill exempts these events. So, the boys felt, it seems reasonable then to avoid offending people.

I pushed back. Who decides what is offensive? What about someone who gets offended by revealing clothes, say tight leather pants with holes. Could they petition to ban that? In some countries, women have to cover their entire bodies. They "offend" others if they reveal their arms or faces. Where do you draw the line between covering the entire body and covering nothing? Would a tiny bikini be appropriate? The boys agreed this was a complex issue with a "slippery slope" to watch out for.

I am not sure what the right answer is, but I would rather err on the side of freedom than on the side of censorship...

The Other Half of the Story

I read a news article today about the co-founder of a high profile company leaving suddenly and surprising most industry observers. Turns out things at this company were not as rosie as most people believed they were... Appearances can be deceiving. I gave the kids several examples: the "ideal couple" who suddenly divorces - turns out we have no idea what happens behind "closed doors". Or the company that gets acquired only because it is about to go out of business.

You can't believe most of what you hear. Particularly since many individuals and organizations have a  vested interest in painting a pretty picture of themselves. Most Facebook updates are "positive". But it is probably safe to asume that for every positive posting someone makes, there is a negative one they could have made. So, remember you are often getting at best half the story...

Two practical implications of the above:

1) Remember this when deciding where to go work, where to go to school, or where to go live. Try to get the other half of the story before deciding.

2) Some people provide more balanced information than others. A person who appears happier than another isn't necessarily so. He might just be less open about his problems.

Sandbagging

Ale suggested that pessimists might be happier than optimists, as the outcomes they experience exceed their expectations more often than they do for optimists. Nico jumped in to say that optimism can lead to better outcomes, so pessimists might actually experience worst results than optimists. I agreed with this point - particularly for situations that are closely correlated to your own actions, and even more so if there are other people involved - who will be influenced by your attitude. For example, the outcome of a soccer match in which you are playing. On the other hand, the likelihood you will win the lottery won't be influenced by your optimism about it.

But back to Alejandro's original point, we are definitely happier when reality exceeds our expectations, so we need to manage expectations. Ideally have expectations that are realistic and that we can exceed, but that will push us to do our best. I mentioned to the boys how companies must set goals that they can achieve, at least most of the times, so that employees feel good about their accomplishments. But they shouldn't "sandbag", i.e., set goals that are easy to meet and won't require that the team work really hard. And, sometimes, you do want to set some crazy unrealistic goals. That is how amazing things often happen - and how we can grow and learn by stretching ourselves outside our comfort zones.

No Breaks

Paco brought up the need for realistic planning when setting out to do a long task. For example, if you have 6 hours of work ahead, you should plan a few breaks, rather than pretend you can do all the work without stopping - as the later approach will likely result in unscheduled and disruptive breaks. Ale said that for some people, more frequent shorter breaks might work better, and even a less structured schedule. We all agreed different approaches work best for different people. The key thing is to be realistic about your needs. A related example is dieting. Some people set the unrealistic goal of not eating anything all day, only to "break down" before the end of the day to eat whatever is available. Better to know that you at least need a little bit of food and plan accordingly.

Nip in the Bud

This morning Ale started telling me about an issue he had had with Nico earlier. Before Ale could finish Nico jumped in to say he realized that he had been wrong and there was no point in involving me. But of course it was too late... Ale had already told me about it. This got me thinking of the benefit of resolving problems early before they escalate. To "nip them in the bud", as the expression says. Had Nico acknowledged his mistake right away Ale would not have brought it up with me.

We discussed similar situations in which arguments with their classmates escalate to their teachers, sometimes with serious consequences. All because they didn't resolve them early when they could have. Often, it is as simple as a brief apology. Nico asked about situations in which he was not in the wrong. I said even then it was often best to put problems behind when it is "inexpensive" to do so. I gave them the example of a bill I once got for $27. The bill was incorrect so I didn't pay it. A collections agency then called me. Again I explained the problem and refused to pay it. Next thing I know the unpaid bill appeared in my credit report (where it probably stayed for 7 years!). A few years later I got a similar bill (from another vendor). Guess what I did? You bet I just paid it and moved on!

Sometimes you want to take a stand and fight for your beliefs. But you should do so consciously and weighting the pros and cons. Pick your fights - and nip the others in the bud quickly.

Walls

Ale told us about an essay he wrote. He described three types of challenges that we face, and used different types of walls we need to get through as an analogy. Some walls you have to power through. Hit them and hit them until you break them down. For example, perfecting a musical piece on an instrument often takes practice and more practice. No short-cuts. Other walls, are too hard to demolish. You must find a path around them. An example would be a rock climbing challenge. Sometimes, the answer is a different move or path, not more "brute force". Finally, there are some walls we should walk away from - as they can't be demolished nor have a path around them. So, when you face a serious challenge, determine what kind of "wall" it is be and what the correct approach to overcome it is.

Pacing Yourself

Paco's turn to lead our conversation. He has been reading the Enders Game science fiction series and he picked a topic from it: pacing yourself. When you are faced with a challenge and you want to do your best, you must remember not to try so hard you burn out before you finish.

We spoke about swimming and running. Your strategy for a 100 meter sprint, a 5K and a marathon should be quite different. Ale mentioned how the breathing technique changes in swimming depending on the distance - the kicking technique does as well. So it is not just about the degree of effort but the approach as well.

I told the boys this was a common issues in start-ups, where we often work super hard. Start-ups are rarely, if ever, sprints. So pace is critical. As a leader, be it a manager or a coach, you must help your team members pace themselves. You can't push them too hard or even let them drive themselves too hard. And it is not just about a single race but about an entire season, or in some cases a multi year olympic campaign.

And while in sports we know the distance we are running (or swimming), in other circumstances we don't. Who knows how long it will take a start-up to succeed? We must be conservative and make sure we have plenty of "fuel in the tank", with some in "reserve". If it starts to look like the finish line is close, we can speed up and burn more gas, otherwise, the priority should be to finish the race. After all, and I know I am quoting someone, in order to win, you must first finish the race!

Getting Outside your Comfort Zone

The day before my last kite race (see previous post) I got some feedback from an expert kite racer: lean further back, strengthen my front leg, flatten the board...  I thought I would be able to pay attention to these things during the race and go faster. Problem was, the race was stressful (dozens of kites all around me), challenging (too much wind, too little wind, strong current) and tiring (three races back to back). So my body ignored my brain and got into its usual comfortable position: bent legs, bent back, heeled board. I know this is slow, but my body refused to get outside its comfort zone given the stress and fatigue.

To push yourself beyond your comfort zone and improve it helps to have the right environment. Better wind, flatter water, no competitors around. Once you extend your comfort zone in such conditions you can then move on to a more challenging environment. Hopefully your body will remember what to do and disregard the stress and fatigue. It might feel like a waste of time: why bother practicing on flat water if I will compete in chop, but gradually building skills and confidence is often the fastest approach.

Knowing Who to Beat

A few days ago was the last racing night for the 2012 kiteracing series. So we discussed sailing tactics. Specifically, knowing who your real competition is. In my case, there were only three competitors I had a chance of passing for the final season standings - and nobody who could pass me. So my focus for the final night of racing was to stay ahead of the three people who mattered. How could I do that? If I happened to find myself ahead of one of them during a race, I would "cover" them. That means staying between them and the finish line, even if that meant letting other competitors pass you (maybe because you were heading to the wrong side of the course or because you were sailing past a layline). I've seen olympic races in which the two competitors with a chance of gold finish last and second to last - because all they care about is beating each other (so everyone else passes them as they match race).

Knowing who you are really competing against, who really matters, is obviously also relevant in other contexts, such as business, academics and politics.

So, how did I do? I beat two of the three people who mattered, and moved my final standing from 18 to 16 for the series ;-).

Limited Time, Unlimited Effort

Several members of the family, me included, have been struggling with challenging projects (or activities). After certain amount of frustration we wonder whether we should drop the project and move on, or stick with it a bit longer. This morning we spoke about how to go about making that decision...

I described to the boys an approach that has served me well in the past - although I must confess it is easier said than done. It is simple: decide on an amount of time you believe is appropriate to devote to exploring the project, and, during that period of time give it all you have and don't second guess yourself at all. This approach has several benefits:

- You eliminate the anxiety of second guessing yourself and pondering whether you should be abandoning the project. That analysis is left for the end of the pre-established period.

- By giving it all you have you maximize the chances of succeeding at the activity. If you fail, you will know it was not for lack of trying.

- You avoid a situation of half-hearted effort for an extended period of time, without success and without an understanding of whether you could succeed if only you gave it your best.

- You contain the risk. Suppose you want to try a jazz band but you are not sure it is the right thing for you. Rather than an open ended commitment you could start with a 90 day trial. Worst comes to worst, after 90 days you conclude you don't want to do it anymore, and move on to the next project.

What happens if you can't get yourself to devote all your energy to a project, even for a limited period of time? One conclusion might be that the project is not right for you. The other, more scary one, is that you need to work on your self-discipline... But that will be a conversation for another day.

Ignorance is Bliss

Another conversation led by Alejandro. He wrote an essay titled Ignorance is Bliss. Is it? It is when knowing a problem doesn't help you solve it or do anything about it. But of course "someone" needs to solve important problems at some point... Ale described the evolution of people as ignorant (child), aware but passive (adolescent), problem-solver (adult), ignorant again (old age). Interesting...

I suggested there was no point in worrying about any problem. Either you could solve a problem (no need to worry) or you couldn't (no point in worrying). Paco liked this :-).

We spoke a bit about the free-rider problem - people in society who let others solve the problems. And about how ignorance of challenges has sometimes driven people to do the "impossible".

Dogs playing chess

Ale told us about a conversation he had in his history class. Turns out dogs have a good perception of time as something that has a past and a future, not just a present. Dogs primary sense is smell. And smells persist for a long time. A dog can tell that a certain person was at a certain spot hours before. Compare that with humans, who primarily rely on sight and sound. To us, a room in which we don't see or hear anyone is simply empty. Someone might have been there a few minutes before, but unless they left a warm cup of coffee behind, we have no idea.

So it apparently is the case that while humans are primarily focused and "sensing" just the present, dogs simultaneously perceive different moments in time. OK, this is a bit "heavy" so I think I am just going to leave it at that...

PS: Nico made an insightful observation: the above would imply that dogs should be good chess players! has a dog ever learned to play chess?

Loopholes

To my pleasant surprise all three boys knew what a loophole was - and even gave me examples. We spoke about whether it is OK to take advantage of loopholes or not, and concluded that "it depends". For example, taxpayers in the US search for the (legal) approach that will minimize their taxes. Taking advantage of loopholes is customary and expected (as long as they are perfectly legal loopholes). On the other hand, a loophole that allows you to do something that you know is "wrong" or "unethical" is a bad idea.

I started to talk about loopholes because I might have found one to decrease the price of my digital subscription to the Wall Street Journal. I signed up for the print version, even though I read the paper on my iPad, because the print subscription is cheaper (at least the offer I got is). And the print subscription gives you access to the digital version. I then decided to put my print delivery on hold, as  I don't want it. But I can still access the print version so I might be getting it for free while my print subscription is on hold. Not sure... My motivation (honestly!) was to avoid having to pick up and throw away the paper every day. But I then realized I might have found a loophole for a cheaper digital subscription... So, if this is indeed a loophole, is it OK? The boys thought it was fine. I am not sure... Does it matter that News Corp is one big corporation that should know how to take care of these things? Would it make a difference if it was a small non-profit community newspaper? I think it does. I think "context" matters...

Perfect Back to School

First day of the 2012-2013 school year for the boys! Surprisingly they were all up early & ready to go. Maybe it is because they are all getting school iPads this year... Or maybe they missed their friends during the summer.

The boys got into a discussion about perfection. Nico, quoting "the wheelchair guy", said there is no perfection. I argued that something can be perfect within specified parameters and margins of error. For example, a band-aid (I've been cutting myself a lot lately) has plenty of imperfections when examined under a microscope, but the manufacturer might know that irregularities below a certain size can't be felt by our skin nor seen by our eyes, so every band-aid without irregularities bigger than that is, at least for practical purposes, "perfect". Hmmm... Not the best example I admit. But a good one to contrast with the quantum physics that Hawkings refers to, and that is not as relevant day-to-day.

Paco said perfection depends on each person's opinion. I agreed that could be the case in some subjective matters, such as someone thinking a certain chocolate cake is "perfect", but that perfection is not always subjective, such as when imperfections can be physically measured and the margin of error pre-established. Ale said the Sun sure looked like a perfect sphere through the fog today, even though he knows there are flames hundreds of miles high on its surface. We are just too far to notice them... Do imperfections matter when we can't see them?

Time to go. "Have a perfect first day of school"...

Save your chips

Last week of the school year! Nico told his brothers today that it was very important for him that they attended his lower school graduation tomorrow. They both said they would go if the could. This reminded me of a request a relative once made from me to attend an event that was important for him. I personally didn't see why he felt the event was important, it wasn't important for me, and it required significant effort for me to attend, but I obliged. Yet right after the event the same relative asked me to attend another "important" event. This time I said no. To put it bluntly, I felt he had "used his chip".

It is OK to ask for multiple things from someone, particularly from friends and family, but be sensitive to the burden you might be placing on others. You might want to say something like: "I would love for you to do A, B and C for me. If you are too busy to do all three, no worries, hopefully you can at least do A". This approach has at least two positive aspects: 1) You let people know what your priorities are, in case they can't do everything, and 2) You acknowledge that you are asking for multiple things and that you are sensitive to their own situation. That second point, in my experience, increases the likelihood that the person will do all three things for you. People react better when they see you are sensitive and care about them...

Walking Before Running

Ale thought the grading criteria that his history teacher uses is interesting:

5 if you show you know "most" of the information, but not all.
6 if you show you know all the information.
7 if you show you know all the information and present it with style and wit.

What Ale found interesting was that the quality of the presentation didn't come into play until you showed you mastered the subject matter. In other words, showing with style and wit that you knew most, but not all, the information wouldn't move your grade from a 5 to a 6.

Several interesting take aways: Most obviously, you must walk before you can run. Master the basics before you take things to the next level. Don't try to get "fancy" until you are ready. But there is another interesting point: some skills help you in many aspects of your life. In this particular case, being a good writer can help you with your history, not just your English. The same applies to math, which helps you in physics, chemistry, economics, and many other subjects. It is important to be conscious of these key skills and devote to them the effort necessary to get really good at them. It will pay back with dividends!

Memorizing

Paco spoke about the importance of not memorizing blinding but always trying to understand things. I agreed, but said sometime we simply had to memorize facts. For example, when in school they have to memorize countries and capitals. Ale said that was an example where one could do more, such as learn a bit about each country, its location, some facts, etc.

Nico mentioned that in theater it is important to understand the context of each scene and character, not just to memorize one lines. He said he sometimes he memorizes other characters' lines, in addition to his own, in case the other actors need help.

Calculated Risks

Nico told Cindy something about a book that he is reading - but she hasn't. Paco told Nico to be careful about not ruining the book for her. Nico thought the details were minor so Cindy wouldn't mind. This made me think of mistakes that can be fixed vs. those that can't. If you tell someone too much about a book or movie, you might ruin it for them and there is nothing you can do about it. You can't take back what you said. Another, more serious, example would be if you physically harm someone in a car accident. The damage is done and there is no turning back (at least not until someone invents a time machine!). Contrast that with a mistake that can be fixed: you purchase shoes that are the wrong size? Exchange them. You break someone's else's toy? Buy him a new one. It might still be a hassle or a significant expense to fix these mistakes, but at least you can.

So what? If you are not sure something you are about to do is right, think about the consequences of being wrong. Be more careful in situations for which there will be no fix if you make a mistake. Another way of thinking about this is the concept of "calculated risks": I am in a hurry and can't find parking. If I am comfortable with the risk of getting a parking ticket I might just park illegally. But if I am not comfortable with the risk of hurting someone in a car accident I shouldn't speed or go through Red lights.

An example from sailing: If you are over the line early at the start of a race you can correct your mistake by going back and restarting. A costly mistake but not necessarily a "lethal" one. But if you have a collision with another sailboat, no matter how small, you will be disqualified from the race entirely if you could have avoided it.

I Spy Lies

Great discussion led by Alejandro this morning! When playing a game such as I Spy, what is worst, to claim to see something you haven't seen or to see something and not say it. The boys felt it depended on how many people were playing. If many, then not saying that you saw something had minimal impact on the game. But if only two people are playing and you don't say that you saw something, the game becomes pretty pointless... Context matters.

We then discussed two additional aspects of this question: is a lie that benefits you worst than one that doesn't (or even hurts you)? And, is it worst to explicitly lie by saying something that is untrue or to lie by keeping quiet - thus implying a negative you know to be false? We didn't have much time to debate these (no traffic today). Alejandro felt it made no difference on either dimension: a lie is a lie, whether it helps you or hurts you, and whether you say it or imply it. Paco wasn't so sure. Not necessarily a slam-dunk, but I tend to agree with Alejandro. If nothing else, it can become a slippery slope to start justifying lies "I was helping someone else", "My silence could have been interpreted several ways". Better to keep it Black and White and avoid all lies: good, bad, explicit or implied.

Lo Barato Sale Caro

We have a saying in Venezuela: "lo barato sale caro". The translation is: cheap stuff becomes expensive. The point is that sometimes by trying to save money we end up spending more than we would have with a "more expensive" choice. For example, buy a cheap used car and spend lots of money on repairs. Alejandro had a similar situation recently. He designed a t-shirt for his swim team and suggested that they order the shirts on Zazzle. But some of his teammates felt Zazzle was too expensive and suggested making the shirts themselves instead - by buying cheap shirts and iron-on paper that someone would print at home. At first glance the cost would be about half as much so they proceeded. What happened? The ink jet printer ink ran out and they had to buy new ink. Paper was more expensive than anticipated, and they didn't factor any cost for misprints. When all was said and done more money was spent, the shirts didn't come out as well, and a lot of time was wasted. How to avoid this? Before jumping to a cheap (do it yourself) option, think it through carefully. Are you factoring all the costs, including those of mistakes that otherwise would be absorbed by someone else? Are you comfortable with the lower quality of the end result? Did you consider your time?

80:20

Paco wanted to talk about allocating time appropriately: not spending too many hours on one project (or subject) at the expense of others, nor spending so little time it was not enough. I mentioned the 80:20 rule. Try to get to 80 percent of the project/knowledge then move on to something else. If you have extra time go back and try to get the remaining 20 percent. But better to get 80 on all subjects than 100 in some and zero in others. The challenge of course is recognizing when you are 80 percent of the way there. It takes practice... You must also we aware that getting the last 20 percent right is often the hardest, and can take longer than getting the initial 80 percent.

Can Second be First?

Nico's turn: he wanted to talk about the benefits of being 2nd. Fewer arrows aimed at you - since people go after the winner. This led to a discussion about when that was indeed a worthwhile thing versus situations when coming 2nd was no good, i.e., winner takes all situations such as running for president of the united states. We then applied the same concept to businesses: it might be OK to be the second largest manufacturer of automobiles in the world, but who wants to be 2nd to Ebay or Craigslist? 

The Bright Side of Ignorance

Paco spoke about impulse purchases and the need to think before buying something whether we will really use it and enjoy it. He had bought some magnets during one of our trips which he rarely uses. I agreed, but suggested that impulse decisions sometimes have unexpected positive consequences - so we shouldn't be too rigorous on this front. We should also consider the magnitude of the purchase: we wouldn't want to buy our next house on a whim and without knowing anything about its neighborhood, but we shouldn't spend too many hours investigating our next pair of running shoes.

Another important factor is the price of delay: if we are in a trip abroad and see a souvenir we really like in a shop in a small village, we are probably facing a once in a lifetime opportunity to buy this souvenir. Think too hard about it and you will miss the opportunity forever. But if you are considering the purchase of a video game on Amazon, you can probably take your time.

The conversation reminded me of something that happens with entrepreneurs who "don't know better": sometimes entrepreneurs start businesses because they don't know all the challenges they will face. If they did, they would go do something else. But we sometimes succeed against all odds, and sometimes ignorance is a good thing! Have you ever enjoyed a "bad movie" you wouldn't have seen if you had paid attention to its IMDB rating? I have.

It is also important to pay attention to our intuition. Our intuition helps us make decisions very quickly - and these are decisions that are often better than the ones we make after more "careful analysis".

Prenups

One of the boys recently had a falling apart with his best friend. He had given his friend some of his online password and now he felt he had to change the passwords. The lesson - besides not giving your passwords to anyone - is to remember that relationships change. Employees can become ex-employees. Significant others can become exs. And while family will always be family, even family sometimes has falling aparts. So if you do something that makes you vulnerable to someone make sure you would be comfortable with that vulnerability even if situations change. I encounter this often in business: there are things that I sometimes would like to do for employees that I can't because of the liability they would create (down the road in the event things change).

This is not to say that we shouldn't trust anyone. Just that we should be conscious when we are making ourselves vulnerable that relationships sometimes change with time... Sometimes we'll take a risk with someone. That is OK. Sometimes we'll get burned. That is OK too. But hopefully not because we didn't even think about it...

Untitled

Ale recently entered a contest in his high school to design the cover for their 2013 student handbook. When they announced that his entry was one of the three finalists he was upset about the title they had given to his piece. He had not titled his entry and they needed each piece to have a title so that the students could vote for their favorite. So the organizers just made up a title.

There is an important lesson in this incident: if you care about something don't leave it to chance (or to others). You care about the titles of your pieces? Then give them one. You organizing a meeting and want it to end at a certain time? Specify it. Don't let the meeting end whenever others decide it should. You care about your nickname? Give yourself one you like - or others might give you one you don't.

A related premise has to do with negotiations: once something is established it takes effort to change it. So if you are negotiating and something is important to you, try to establish it the way you want it before others establish it some other way. You might still need to discuss it and change it, but you will be in a better position and might get something else in exchange for agreeing to change it.

PS: Ale won the contest and got the $50 prize :-). 

Some minutes are more equal than others

Imagine an airline pilot who shows up 15 minute late for his flight. There are 300 passengers in his plane each of whom wastes 15 minutes. The pilot just caused a 75 person-hour waste!

Compare the previous example with a friend who shows up to your home 15 minutes late for a dinner invitation. Did you friend waste 15 minutes of your time? Probably not as you were comfortable in your home.

What about the business person who shows up 15 minutes late for an 8am breakfast meeting at a restaurant? Pretty bad as you waiting at a restaurant is only a bit better than waiting on a plane. And a breakfast meeting might only last 45 minutes, so this person just wasted a third of the meeting's time!

What got us talking about this? Being late just a few of minutes in the morning... Not only are there three of us waiting in the car, but we are usually tight for time. Besides, there is no excuse for being late as I wake everyone up with plenty of time and give several notices...  So, just a few minutes of delay in the morning are pretty bad. Or, put differently: don't make your father wait for you!

Don't be Greedy - Unless you have to

Paco lead a discussion about not waiting too long for the optimal outcome. For example, wait so long for a videogame price to go down that they stop selling it. Or, try to get a parking spot so close to your destination that you can't get a spot at all. I described this as "getting greedy". We all spoke about the factors that determine the right time to buy (or park). How good of a deal are we already getting? What would the consequences be if we can't  get want we want? For example, if we find a parking spot two blocks from our destination and we can barely get there in time, we should probably take it and avoid the risk of not finding a spot and being late. But if we have time to spare we can probably drive around for a bit looking for a better spot.

Nico mentioned the example of a sailboat race and the need to get to the start-line just in time (he dreamed about a race last night!). In an olympic race you can't afford to be more than a fraction of a second late or your chances of doing well in the race would be seriously hurt. But in a less competitive race you are probably better off not trying to cut it so close and risk being over the line early.

In the Dark

I've worn contact lenses for years. I used to hate putting them on. Always seemed to be a struggle. Until a discovery I made last year: we went on a camping trip and I brought with me a portable mirror. It happened to be one with a lot of magnification. I used it to put my lenses on and all of a sudden I could see what I was doing! On a regular mirror I only saw enough to make sure I wasn't putting the lenses on my nose. But with the magnification I could actually see exactly where in my eye I had to put each lens. And now that I could see, putting the lenses on the right place became trivial. I had been in putting my lenses on "in the dark" for years!

We don't put enough value on having good light. It makes an incredible difference. For example, even though I need reading glasses, if I have supper good light, for example, being outdoor on a sunny day and wearing high quality sun glasses, I can read without reading glasses.

How many other things do we do in the dark? Try to improve our swimming, dribbling or tacking... How much easier does it get if we can see exactly what we are doing wrong? See it when we get it right?  I am a big fun of videos and mirrors... We are also often in the dark on non-physical issues: having problems in a relationship but don't really understand what the other person is thinking? What they see in us that might be an issue... Struggling to learn something or change a behavior but don't understand, because we can't see, what is holding us back...

We should often ask ourselves if we have enough light, enough visibility, into what we are doing. When we enter a dark house we instinctively know that we can't see where we are going and that we have to turn on the lights to avoid bumping into stuff. Yet somehow we don't easily recognize darkness in other aspects of our life - and end up bumping into "stuff" for years.

Broken Curtain

A few days ago one of Ale's curtains broke. This morning he mentioned that he was surprised the bit of extra light was waking him up half an hour early each morning. He didn't expect his body to be so sensitive to light. Paco and I chimed in saying we had both experienced this sensitivity (and the opposite one as well). Paco consciously leaves his curtain open to wake up early and we have both slept way late when a thick curtain has been completely shut (like sometimes in hotels).

I made the observation that serendipitous events can have significant impact in our life. A curtain breaks and all of a sudden you are awake for an extra 30 minutes every day. Maybe you do something new and different during that time which becomes part of your life going forward. All because of a broken curtain. Makes me think we should force serendipitous changes to experiment with new things. I bet some of those new things will pleasantly surprise us. From now on I'll break a different piece of furniture every month. See what comes of it :-).

Stuck in the Middle

Paco lead us on a great conversation this morning about the importance of committing to a position - rather than remaining "stuck in the middle". He gave us the example of one of his teachers who was neither nice nor disciplined and as a result couldn't get the students to do what she wanted them to. He elaborated: "if she was truly disciplined, we would behave properly because we had to. If she was really nice, we would behave properly because we liked her. But as it stands, she neither forces us to behave nor is nice enough to motivate us to do it".

Paco gave us another example from soccer: as a defender, there are two ways you could cover an offensive player - I wont get into the details as I will probably get them wrong. The bottom line is that you should alternate between both approaches, but at any given time be committed to a single one. If you try combine both approaches and do a bit of one and a bit of the other at the same time, you do neither well.

Alejandro chimed in with another example: a group of friends wants to go see a movie. Half wants to see a horror film, the other half a comedy. The right approach would be to alternate: go see a horror film one day and a comedy another day. The "stuck in the middle" approach: go see a drama which nobody particularly wants to see but nobody opposes either. We encourage Ale, Paco & Nico to take the same approach: if they can't agree on what to do together simply take turns deciding.

I see this problem with some politicians: instead of being "balanced" by supporting some issues on the "Right" and some issues on the "Left" - based on their beliefs and principles - they try to be balanced by developing positions that are neither Right nor Left and are often meaningless.

Life is a Bagel

Nico was skeptical of today's topic: how I cut my bagels. Yet I insisted. There is a lot to learn from the way I cut my bagels. Cutting bagels is dangerous. Injuries from bagel cutting is the top cause of emergency room visits in the US ["at least according to some source... what is your source... ok ok... maybe not THE top, but a common cause?"]. Why do we cut ourselves? The knife cuts through the bagel with more force than we anticipated and ends up in our hand. So what is my technique to avoid this? It has three key elements:

1) Rather than doing a few strokes with plenty of force in each, I do lots of strokes with very little force in each. I move the knife back and forth rapidly but gently. When the knife finally cuts through the bagel it barely moves much further. I would generalize this as substituting brute force with finesse. Or, like we say in Venezuela "Mas vale maña que fuerza". Similar to when you need to losen something and wiggling back and forth works much better than a single application of all your strength in a one direction. Nico remains skeptical about the value of this lesson... Nico: this works even with people! Say you want to teach someone how to swim. Most teachers wouldn't drop their pupil at one end of a long pool and try to get them to swim all the way across. Instead, they get very close to the soon-to-be swimmer and get them to swim a few inches, then a few more inches, and little by little the distance gets longer until, almost without realizing it, the person swims across a long pool.

2) Back to bagels... I make sure to use an adequate knife. If I try to cut a bagel with a steak knife instead of a bread knife I have to use more force  - not to mention steak knifes have pointier and sharper ends. Simple life lesson: use the right tool for the job.

3) Finally, I make the final third of the cutting away from my hand. So even if the knife flies away it doe so into the air, not my hand. Ale said he does something similar by holding the bagel with a kitchen towel. Life lesson: leave yourself margin for error.

Pre-Paid Taxis in Peru

Ale's day to lead our discussion. He told us how during his recent school trip to Peru some of the taxis he took were pre-paid and some weren't. The pre-paid ones were friendly and chatty. The others weren't Ale believe it was because they were worried about the money.

We spoke about money. How it can create friction and fights among people, including friends and relatives. Some people go as far as to avoid doing business with relatives. That might be extreme, but it is certainly a good idea to be super careful when money is involved. Be generous and considerate. When in doubt, err on the others favor. And try to be clear up front if any significant amount of money will be involved.

Dead People

Paco's day to lead the discussion. He is reading a book about people experimenting with death - which is why I guess he wanted to talk about not feeling bad when people die, but instead focusing on those who remain alive. We agreed we should make an effort to overcome traumatic experiences, such as when a relative dies, but pointed out we can't control our feelings. We feel what we feel. We went on to talk about the difference between an old person dying after having lived a fulfilling life and a young person dying unexpectedly.  We also spoke about being empathetic to those who are sad. Not to try to reason with them but to be supportive and understanding.

Winning the Battle but Lossing the War

We watched an excellent movie about Pearl Harbor when we visited the memorial. The movie showed how the attack energized America for war - and in particular against Japan. Only six months after Pearl Harbor America decimated the Japanese navy at Midway (sinking four of its aircraft carriers).

We spoke about more mundane situations in our life when we should be careful not to win battles at the expense of wars. Paco already deals with this frequently when he plays chess. Another example is relationships. Don't fight with the teacher over an extra point in a homework assignment loosing sight of the final grade for the year. Or argue with friends, relatives or colleague about short term stuff at the expense of a long term relationship.


Another example was the FIRST robotics competition: some teams devoted most of their time and resources to doing well in the robot battle, but as a result did poorly in the other aspects of the competition - which collectively were worth more points.

What happens when we die

Today was Paco's turn to lead the conversation and he told us about the book he is reading in which the protagonists try to get closer and closer to death to learn what happens when you die. It is actually a French book that his French teacher recommended! Turns out there are multiple levels towards complete death and the protagonists are going deeper and deeper. But Paco is only half way through the book so that is all he told us. Reminds me of the movie Flatliners.

Paco made an intriguing comment before getting off the car: I asked him if he thought that there was indeed something after death and he said no, because that would imply some sort of intelligent design (in which I guess he doesn't believe). We didn't quite follow his logic but we ran out of time, so maybe tomorrow he'll explain.