RED Weekend in LA

We went to LA for the weekend for a weeding. I ask the boy this morning which things they enjoyed the most and the least. Not surprisingly, going to see the movie RED was at the top of the list. I used to feel bad about "wasting" time at a movie when traveling, but I've realized what matters the most is not seeing the most tourist attractions, but having a great time. And kids love going to the movies no matter where they are. Besides, LA is "movie town" so it felt appropriate :-). N enjoyed the hotel's pool, even thought he only used it for 10 minutes. P enjoyed seeing C's old lab at UCLA (and crystal through the microscope). They all enjoyed rollerblading on Venice Beach and in generale just "going to LA". The didn't like not being able to attend the wedding (it was adults only), and having no weekend left in SF.

What about me? I mostly enjoyed seeing friends & eating at our favorite Cuban restaurant. And I hated the traffic and the flight delays.

Getting Ahead of Ourselves

A spent a bunch of time researching the computer he plans to buy on his birthday (in 4+ months). I told them we should be careful about getting ahead of ourselves. For example, spending a lot of time planning an event that might not even happen. Or spending a bunch of time planning a purchase so far in advance that our research might become obsolete by the time we are ready to purchase (or, we might change our minds and not purchase anything eventually). Or, planning how to spend some money that we might not even get...

Of course, sometimes these things can be fun. I remember spending two years doing research into which sailboat to buy. I didn't want to purchase anything because the shopping was so much fun! And the research often pays off (it did in the case of the boat). But fun aside, it can be a big waste of time (and sometimes worst) when we get ahead of ourselves.

[Update: a month after this conversation A decided he wont buy a new computer after all]

Decisions, Decisions

I am grappling with a small "dilema" and asked the kids for advice: I need to purchase new kites (for kitesurfing). After a lot of research I chose a brand and model only to find out that they just released their 2011 models and have a 3 month backlog. Problem is we have two holiday (Thanksgiving & Christmans) when I was hoping to use the new kites. I tracked down some 2010 kites still available, but the cost would be comparable to the newer ones, which I would get in January. So, do I buy the 2010 kites to have them for the trips? Do I order the 2011a and find some alternative for the trips, e.g., rent something, or, do I order my second choice kites, which do have 2011 units available? Life or death stuff...

N thought I should get the 2010s so that I could have them for the trips. P thought I should wait for the 2011s, since whatever I buy I will keep for a long time, so better to be very happy with them. A wasn't paying attention to me (he will have to go on the back seat for the next week as a consequence!).

I am still trying to get a 2011 in time...

The Courtesy of a "Heads Up"

A missed an afternoon of school last week to got tour a prospective high school. We asked the previous day to send an email to the teachers' whose classes he was going to miss giving them a heads up. He refused, saying there was no need, as his classmates would just tell the teachers, if they asked, that he was gone to check out a high school. Today I talked to the boys about the importance of giving people a "heads up". People really appreciate it if at the beginning of a meeting (or class or phone call) one says "I might need to leave early because...", or "I might need to take a phone call". A simple heads up lets you get away with stuff that would be pretty rude otherwise, such as taking a call in the middle of a meeting, or leaving in the middle of a class.

The same principle applies to delivering bad news. The more heads up the better. For example, if you do poorly in a test but don't tell your parents. Then don't share the test results with them. But wait until the teachers drops the bomb at the parent-teacher conference, your parents are likely going to be very upset (and probably take away some of your privileges). If instead, you give your parents a heads up the day of the test "mom, I had a math test today in which I think I did poorly", then the consequences once you share the test results with your parents are likely to be much less severe. By sharing the info early you showed you cared. You were honest, and, you lowered expectations...

X Prize

Met someone from the X Prize Foundation last night. Very cool organizations. They create $10MM prizes to encourage research and development into worthy goals that might otherwise not be financially viable e.g., space vehicles, affordable genomes, fuel efficient cars. This "prize" approach has being gaining popularity because it is highly leveraged: instead of giving the $10MM to directly fund research and development, the prize generates many times that amount of work funded by those who want to win the price. A bit like a lottery (which as we all know, is such a profitable model only governments can do it!). Another analogy the kids are familiar with is Threadless, which pays a few thousand dollars each week to the winning design for a t-shirt, but gets dozens, if not hundreds of designs for free...

Bring the t-shirt if it is warm

P was wearing a long sleeve shirt and asked me to tell C to bring him a t-shirt to soccer practice "if the day got hot". I called here, in front of him, and told her to bring him a t-shirt. No conditionals. P said, she only needs to do it if it gets hot. I told him that it was better if she simply brought the shirt. Otherwise, what if he thought it was a hot day but she didn't? In general, it is a bad idea to agreements based on subjective criteria, like whether the weather is hot or not. And even some apparently objective criteria van become subjective. For example, is it night or day during the sunset hours? Is it raining or not when it is drizzling?

Bad Referees...

Over the weekend P had two soccer matches. I watched the first on which his team played great and won. I didn't watch the second one in which the referee was so biased he made them lose 3 to 1... Or so P says. I wasn't there, so I don't really know. Still, I spoke with the kids about not blaming external factors for their failures. Even if those factors are true, it is usually better to focus on the things we could have done better. Why? Well, for one, we might learn something and do better in the future when faced again with a bad referee. But also we avoid coming across as "sore losers". We cause a better impression on others when we show humility and openness to learning than when we blame others for everything and don't acknowledge ant faults on our end.

P said the problem with my suggestion was that people would think we were bad (soccer players). I answered that most people can assess how good or bad we are without our explanations as to why things went the way they did. Our explanations have a much bigger impact on people assessments of our character than our skills. P insisted that wasn't always the case. For example, what if I am interviewing a candidate for a job and he blames himself for a past problem. Wouldn't I think he was weak and not hire him? I explained that before hiring people I do reference checks, and that a candidate who blames external factors for something he had responsibility for wont do well once I check his story... On the other hand. someone who shows me he has learned and improved will do much better.

Provide the right level of detail for your audience

P started to tell me about the latest video game he had played. A complained and asked if we had to listen to this. My initial reaction was going to be to say "yes, P wants to tell us about this so we should listen" but P was giving me some very detailed information that was not very interesting to A. So I actually spoke about the importance of being brief and focus on the "important" stuff. It obviously depends on the situation: I am sure some of P's friends enjoy hearing every last detail of the video game, but one must asses one's audience and provide the appropriate level of detail for it. In this situation, P was giving more details than we cared to hear... Imagine a neurosurgeon talking with some non doctors. It would not be appropriate for him to get into the scientific details of his latest surgery. His audience would probably not even understand. Yet if he was talking with a fellow neurosurgeon, then obviously more details would be appropriate.

Getting Unbiased Advice

We spoke about how to make sure that the advice you are getting is unbiased:

- If the person would benefit from your decision then you should watch out. Some situations are pretty obvious, e.g., a salesman. But others less so. For example, I would benefit from great families joining my kids school, so anyone getting advice from me about schools needs to consider that.

- If the person doesn't provide a balanced view, with pros and cons, but only gives your pros (or cons) that is a Red flag.

- If they don't have real experience in the subject matter. How well do they really understand the issues? I mentioned that how confident and authoritative someone sounds is not correlated that how knowledgeable he is. Yet, unfortunately, we tend to assume it is. Don't let those who sound the most confident about their opinions influence you more than others.

- Try to get a large enough sample of opinions.

- Try to find people who share your values and points of view.

Endeavor

This week I spent a couple of days at an Endeavor (www.endeavor.org) event. Endeavor is a fabulous organization that supports entrepreneurs in many developing countries, e.g., Argentina, Chile, Jordan, South Africa. They had their selection panel to choose the entrepreneurs they will help this year and I was invited to be a judge. It is terrific to meet entrepreneurs from all over the world. I told the kids about it...

Saving Intangibles

Over the weekend we had a conversation with A about his grades and the need to at least match the class average. Obviously, it would be ideal if he was at the top of the class, but that is up to him. The conversation was about the "minimum" that we expected from him (long story for another post)... We mentioned that what mattered was his running average, so he should try to get more than the class average as often as possible so that if he had a bad day and got a lousy grade once, his average would still be above the class average. In other words, he should "save" points.

In the car I ask the boys about other "intangibles" that one can save. N said food, which didn't qualify as an intangible :-). P said friends, which is also not intangible, but closer. He said it was good to have many friends in case some moved out of town (his best friend moved to the East Coast last year). One of them said "love", and I said that giving lots of love, besides being great, probably accumulated "goodwill" for you. Which was a good things for that they in which you misbehave...

I mentioned that sleep was unfortunately something that apparently we can't save: sleeping fo 24 hours straight wont help you stay awake the next day! Other intangibles you can save? vacation days (or, in their case, lack of absences from school).

Don't use my board game!

We have been playing a cool strategy board game that P got for his birthday. The other night P came down to the kitchen and found C & I playing the game by ourselves. He immediately took the board away (ruining our game) and told us we had no permission to use his game. I am still trying to decide whether it makes sense for me to have to ask P for permission to use his board games. After all, the kids use the "common" board games without permission... But that is not my point today. Instead, I told the kids how P could have handled the situation much better in the following way:

- Calmly tell C & I that he would prefer if we ask for permission before we use his board game.
- Asking if we could put it away, or at least move it away from the kitchen table where he was worried it would get dirty.

Basically, being polite he would achieved his goal without alienating us and making us feel that next time he asked us to play the game we might refuse... No matter what you want from people, in general, a polite accommodating request generates better results - not to mentioned that it is the proper thing to do regardless

Who created the Internet?

N asked me "Who invented the Internet?". Told him about universities connecting their mainframes, the military creating a redundant network, physicists at linear accelerators collaborating, Tim Berners Lee inventing the Web... N wanted to know how rich Berners Lee was. Told him I din't know but that I thought he was very happy working at MIT, being a knight, and hanging out with all sorts of interesting people.

Changing Behaviors with Tricks

N is training his new bird Martin. Spoke with the boys about using "tricks" rather than "brute force" to modify behavior (of either animals or people). Repeating "No, Martin. Don't bite my watch " rarely works. Yet keeping him away from your watch solves the problem. I had a German Shepherd when I was a boy. I got him to seat when I yelled "seat" at him, but I was having a really hard time training to get up when I yelled "stand". Until I heard of a trick: wait for him to get up on his own, and as he was doing so, yell "stand". It worked like a charm! After a while he associated "stand" with getting up and would follow my instructions :-).

What about people? Well, instead of lecturing someone about eating less, how about not having junk food around and serving small healthy portions in dinner plates? Oh, yes, and staying busy avoids the eating to fight boredom problem. No need for lectures...

If a "behavior change" is all you are after, there is no need to get the person (or animal) to internalize some deep principle. Just make it easy for the to "do the right thing".

The Little Things that Get You

A tiny cut in my pinky toe almost ruined a recent kiting trip. While I was very careful about the big risks (wore a helmet, launched the kite always over the water, etc) I initially ignored this tiny cut which got infected and made it really painful to ride. Fortunately, I kept it under control with lots of tape and local antibiotics, but it reminded me of the importance of paying attention to the little things. I told the kids the story of Al Capone, who was careful to cover his murders and bribes, but got thrown in jail for the much less serious offense of not paying his taxes. Great explorers and athletes have also gotten in trouble from ignoring little things: climbing high treacherous peaks only to die of infection from a small cut; bike riding a steep mountain only to fall in the parking lot and break a bone (or two).

Don't lower your guard during the "easy" periods and don't ignore the little things.

Unplanned experiences

One of the most memorable experiences of our summer occurred when a street performer asked N to help him with his act. N is a natural born actor and clown and pretty much stole the act from the street performer (proud parent perspective, of course ;-). It was a much more memorable experience than the carefully planned bike ride through the countryside. What is the takeaway? Some of the best things in life can be serendipitous and improvised. Yes the story is a bit more complicated than that... We didn't randomly encounter that street performer. We purposefully went to an interesting neighborhood and in particular to an area where we knew there were street performers. We then were fortunate to encounter a particular performer who chose and clicked with N. Had we just stayed home no amount of luck would have resulted in such a memorable experience... So, put yourself in situations in which interesting things are more prone to happen... And, don't give up entirely on planned activities. While not all of them live up to our expectations, some do - and wont occur serendipitously.

Back to School!

Kids are back at school so the driving (& blogging) resume. Do summer vacations need to be this long in 2010? Is it the teachers' unions that keep them this long? Don't get me wrong, summer vacations are great. I just think a couple of months would be plenty... Besides, teachers and children could probably use the extra time.

Anyway, I did a repeat topic today: first impressions. I know if was a repeat not because I remembered doing it, but because the boys immediately knew the importance of first impressions when I asked them about it. Seemed relevant for the first day of school...

Vacations: having fun vs. checking sites off the list

The kids are on summer vacation... Last week a Spanish friend was in town. His second time in SF. He was comparing his first "touristy" visit with the current "hang out with friends" visit. I asked the boys what they thought would be more fun: visiting the tourist sites or simply hanging out with friends. They thought hanging out with friends would be more fun, and I agreed. On our recent trip to China our best day was probably the one in which we simply hanged out with friends... You still get to enjoy new places, but without the stress and in good company.

We also spoke a bit about vacation planning in general. We used to be more ambitious and try to pack a lot into our trips. But we've concluded the purpose of holidays is not to "check" places off a list, but to have a good time and enjoy new (or known) places. So we now don't try to do as much - and have a much better time...

A couple of years ago I was having a Skype conversation with a work colleague who was at the office in SF. I confessed that I was on a sailboat in the middle of a beautiful bay in the island of Menorca, and I sent him a picture of the place. His initial reaction was to ask "how can you be working in such a place?", to which I responded that "working" in such a place was a pleasure. I didn't have to "focus" on being on vacation to enjoy it...

Getting the advice that is right for you

I've been trying to learn to jibe on my kiteboard for a while without much success. I took a lesson but the advice I got from the instructor didn't help much. I then asked a pro rider and he gave me better advice, but still I fell down into the water most times I tried. Finally a third person, who had himself learned to jibe recently, gave me a few tips and I got it right away! Take aways:

- When learning something, it sometimes helps to hear different perspectives. What works for some people might not work for others. You need to find the approach that works for you.

- Experts are not always the best teachers. Sometimes the task at hand comes so natural to them that they have not really given much thought to the mechanics of how they do it. The instructor, for example, was telling me to do it one way but then I noticed that he was doing it differently!

- If at first your don't succeed... Keep trying. Perseverance usually pays off. But don't hit your head against the wall repeatedly. Look for new approaches.

Always have some margin for error

I drove the kids to Skyhigh in Santa Clara today, so plenty of talk time... The first conversation we had was about always having margin for error. For example, yesterday I picked up my friend E who came from Berkley via BART. I could have tried to pick him up right in front of the BART station on Market street, but, there is nowhere to park there, so it would have been a hassle if he was not right there when I got there. Instead, I asked him to walk a block to a place where I knew I would be able to park if necessary.

Another example: during the Vietnam War the Americans used M16s while the Vietnamese used the "inferior" AK47. The M16 was lighter and more accurate, yet it had no "margin for error" when it came to dirt and mud. M16s would jam due to all the dirt that got into them while AK47s worked just fine all dirty - as they were less "precise" machines with more room for error...

Don't give up right away

A was telling me a few days ago that he might have made a mistake by buying an ipad instead of a macbook - as he wants to get into programming for the iphone, for which he need a mac. I mentioned to him this morning that I found out yesterday that all Bay Area Apple stores are sold out of the ipad so that he can probably resell his ipad for the same amount he paid. I doubt he will do it - as he enjoys the ipad too much - but I took advantage of the occasion to tell the kids about the importance of not giving up right away when we think we made a mistake or can't get what we want. Turns out that he might be able to "return" the ipad and get a macbook if he wants. Just needed to make an effort (and have a bit of luck). I told them a couple of other examples: I recently bought a pair of waterproof headphones and found out a few days after I got them that the manufacturer had just released a headset version that would be better for me. Instead of saying, "bad luck, oh well", I contacted the manufacturer and asked if I could return the one I had bought (given the circumstances). They agreed. Another example would be to arrive to a store or restaurant a few minutes after they closed. Rather than turning around and leaving, knocking on the door and asking nicely might still get you in.

Subconscious Fiction & Emotional Music

As we got going this morning a very sad (classical) song was playing on the radio. I mentioned to the kids how amazing it was that instrumental music could convey such string emotions - I literally wanted to cry! A actually recognized the piece as one from Episode 2: Attack of the Clones (which the radio confirmed to be true). We couldn't remember the actual scene, but it must have been someone dying or leaving...

On a totally different subject: when P return from his trip to Catalina a couple of weeks ago he told me, and he was very upset about this, that he had lost his camera. He had it in his short's pocket where he was also storing rocks, and he left it open after adding some rocks, so the camera fell. That was that until this morning when we found the camera in a pocket of his suitcase (which we hadn't completely emptied). Turns out what we often "remember" is our subconscious filling the blanks. Paco remembered having his camera in his pocket and he remembered leaving his pocket empty and he remembered not finding his camera, so his subconscious filled the blanks with the camera falling from his pocket - and it made a tight memory that his conscious mind "remembered" totally unaware of his subconscious' fictional abilities... Not sure if this is true, but I said this was probably the result of natural selection: humans whose mind carefully recorded every second into an actual detailed memory were probably so busy dealing with memories they didn't react quickly when the tiger came... What was the benefit of recording in memory every second of a day hunting and gathering?

Don't trust your own memories!

Discoveries - Going on a Limb

Sunday was C's dad's birthday. The plan was to have a picnic and C vaguely remembered picnic tables near the Palace of the Legion of Honor. We headed that way but couldn't find the tables. Initially we were frustrated and somewhat upset at ourselves for not planning better. But after a bit of driving around, asking around and some Google searching we discovered a terrific place: Fort Miley. Awesome views of the ocean, no crowds, large grassy are next to the tables. The lesson? Sometimes you have to go out on a limb to discover great new things. If you just stick to what you know you'll miss out on lots of great things. It is like with food: you could just eat the few things you know you like over and over, but wont discover great new flavors. You'll strike out sometimes, but that is the price to pay...

Poker & Excuses

P was frustrated because a friend didn't invite him to his birthday party. Apparently other kids convinced the birthday boy not to invite P because P is the best poker player in his class and he would win the top price from the party's poker tournament. This statement from P prompted a bunch of feedback from me:

1) Don't say "I am the best poker player in the grade". Even if it is true, it comes across as arrogant. You can say you are a good poker player, or maybe one of the best.

2) Don't believe the reasons people give you for why they did something. Often people don't know themselves why the did something, yet when asked why they rationalize it and make up a reason that they often believe to be the truth - but it was conceived after the fact. And when people do know why they did something, they often rather give a more "comfortable" explanation than the truth.

Back Up Plans

Last week A was stranded in Italy on a study trip with his school - thanks to the Iceland volcano. His flights got canceled and they got rebooked for a few days later. A couple of days before the new flights it was still uncertain whether they would be canceled or not. I asked the school administration what their back-up plan was in case one of the new flights got canceled. They didn't have one. They were hoping the new flights would not get canceled and would work on a new plan if they were.

I discussed with the kids the value of having a "Plan B" in place ahead of time. A great example of when that might have helped was our trip to St Lucia over Spring Break. There was a storm in Atlanta where we had to change planes and as we waited for our flight to Atlanta and Delta said the flight was on time we were skeptical. Yet we didn't do anything about it. When half an hour before the departure time they all of a sudden told us the flight had been canceled we had to scramble to find an alternative. Fortunately we quickly found a Virgin America flight online and ran (literally) to their terminal to barely make the flight. Yet, we could have been looking at flight alternatives while waiting for the Delta flight and would have been in much better shape - and not have to run.

Hope for the best... But prepare for the worst!

It is not worth the risk...

During the weekend there were a couple of things that we told A he had to do that he clearly thought were silly: do his homework by the unfair deadline his teacher had given him and don't play games on his ipad during the week. Rather than trying to convince him that these were good ideas, or, I should really say, in addition to, I made the point that if he didn't do these things and we caught him, the consequences were very serious. It is not worth the risk for him. I used the analogy of driving where the speed limit seems ridiculously low. Great straight highways. No cars. Perfect weather. Yet the speed limit is 65 MPH. I might feel that I can safely drive at 90 MPH, but, it is not worth the risk. If I get caught not only will I waste tons of time, I will get a ticket and points of my license. I might disagree with the rule/law, and I might be willing to break it if I was certain I wouldn't get caught, but it is just not worth the risk...

The No Contact Rule

N & P got into one of their typical arguments this morning. Each one convinced the other had started it and was primarily at fault. It made me think of the "no contact" rule in sailboat racing: regardless of what other boats do in a race, each boat has to do everything within its power to avoid contact. Even if another boat breaks the rules and gets in their way, if there is a collision that was avoidable, the boats that could have avoided the collision are disqualified - even if they did nothing else wrong. A boat that has to change its course to avoid contact with a boat that is fouling them can later ask the race committee for a redress, i.e., compensation for the time they lost avoiding the other boat.

I told the kids I would apply the same "no contact" rule to them: no matter what one of their brothers do, they must avoid a fight at all costs. They can come to me or C for "redress", but if they get dragged into a fight, they will be at fault too.

I love sailing analogies! I hope this made sense to non sailors...

Personalities & Wake Up Style

Our three boys are very different... One such difference is how they wake up. Every morning at 7am I turn on the music to get things going. P immediately wakes up and gets out of bed. But A & N need me to go to their room and touch them - or talk to them relatively loud. A & N are also different, though. A gets out of bed as soon as I wake him up but N stays in bed as long as he can (if I take his blanket away he'll recover it and get back into bed!). I am sure there is a correlation between these "wake up styles" and their personalities. I wonder if anyone has done research on this...

PS: I've been delinquent about writing in this blog. The good news is that we've continued to have good conversations - and hopefully they'll remember something... I might try doing shorter entries but doing them more consistently...

The Superwhat?

I mentioned to the boys this morning that this weekend was the Superbowl. I asked if they knew which teams where playing. N's answer was "the Superwhat?". I guess that since C & I are from Venezuela and they go to a French school it is understandble that they don't care much for (American) football. Ale asked if Stanford was one of the teams playing... P guessed the 49ers... I confessed that I didn't know who was playing either.

They were aware of the value of the half time commercials. I mentioned that such value was likely to decline, as now there were alternative ways of reaching tens of millions of users. A correctly guessed that Facebook was one such alternative.

I asked them if they knew who was competing in the America's Cup next week, and to my disappointment they didn't. I told them that the defenders were the Swiss (Alinghi) while the challengers were from our hometown of San Francisco (Oracle BMW). Oh well, I am sure they will know who is playing in the Soccer World Cup final...

mixing hobbies & work

N asked me how come I didn't work with a kiteboarding company - since I like kiteboarding so much and work with many companies. I told him that that could potentially be a lot of fun, but that mixing hobbies and professions had risks. Last year I met Neil Pryde, the founder of the largest providers of sails for the windsurfing industry. His company also built sails for sailboats and kiteboarding gear. I mentioned to Neil how lucky I thought he was to be able to build a company around his passion for sailing. He said, "not at all... the company almost ruined my passion". Turns out that what used to be pure fun, i.e., sailing, became work. So, they actually stopped making sails for yachts and focused on windsurfing and kiteboarding. And now Neil is happy that sailing remains purely about fun for him. Of course, if you can make it work, the combination must be terrific. But sometimes it might be better to keep hobbies and work separate.

Making an average apple shine

I watched part of the Grammys last night. One of the performances had Taylor Swift (who I believe is 21) with Steve Nicks of Fleetwood Mac (who I am guessing is ~60). It struck me how young Taylor looked next to Stevie. Don't get me wrong, she looks young on her own, but the contrast with Stevie made her look even younger. She seemed 15! By the same token, Stevie looked older than I think she would have on her own. I told the boys about this, and how one can make something look better (or worse) by showing next to something else. Take an average apple and show it next to a gorgeous one, and people will probably rate it worst than if they saw it on its own. Or, show it next to a rotten one, and people will rate it higher. The boys wanted to know how to make the rotten apple look good. We came up with a few ideas, but I think I'll leave them off the blog ;-).

Solar Impulse

I was attending the DLD conference during the past few days, so C had to take the kids to school. I am back at my job now! I was telling the kids a bit about my favorite presentation during the conference, by Bertrand Piccard, founder of Solar Impulse. You can see it here: http://video.dld-conference.com/watch/lz4OxN2. And learn more about Solar Impulse here http://www.solarimpulse.com. Pretty inspiring stuff.

Monty Python in SF

It was only A & N in the car today as P spent the night throwing up :-(. Not having gotten much sleep myself I turned the radio on and found a talk show that was interviewing Terry Jones from Monty Python. Switched to music but A & N asked me to switch back, so we heard Terry for a while. The kids are huge Monty Python fans - they know the dialogues from the Search for the Holy Grail by heart. We had a good laugh hearing his stories & his fabulous British accent & humor. Turns out he is in SF for a special Monty Python festival that starts in the Castro tonight. Did you know that while Search for the Holy Grail is their most famous movie in the US, in the UK Life of Brian is much more famous? I didn't...

Perspective

This morning we spoke about the earthquake in Haiti. We've been to the Dominican Republic so I think the boys can at least relate to where Haiti is located. I mentioned that disasters such as this one can help us keep things in perspective. How can we be too upset about the typical things that go wrong with our daily lives when we think about the poor people of Haiti? We need to remember how fortunate we are! And we need to help. Their school is very international and very socially responsible, so I am sure they are already working on something...

Ultimatums, blackmail & negotiations

I was telling the kids about the book Ultimatum that I am reading. They wanted to know what the word meant. When I explained it N asked whether that wasn't the same as blackmail. I explained the difference... We then got into a conversation about negotiations and the importance of not negotiating with yourself. If you are negotiating and the other side doesn't respond, do not improve your offer. Wait for the other side to respond with something. Otherwise, you are negotiating against yourself...

Business Plans

I told the kids that this afternoon I am going to Stanford to mentor a team in an entrepreneurship class. They wanted to know what kind of help I gave them. I explained that they had to write a business plan and that I helped them make sure it covered all the key aspects it had to. Also, I give the students feedback on the actual content of the plan... The kids were quite interested. N said that if he had to write a business plan it would be for a touch computer, "like an iphone, but a computer", A said he would do a game development company.

Butterfly Effects

I read a story this morning about the secondary benefits of exercise. Nothing too surprising, but I guess not entirely obvious either: less colds, less diabetes, less cancer... I told the kids about this and about second & third degree consequences. How most systems are very complex and unpredictable. We had a laugh imagining how a butterfly could create a tsunami (blow air that moves a small leave, that moves a bigger leave, that changes the flight pattern of a small bird...).

I gave them the scenario of the forest with sheep and wolves that lived in harmony until hunters killed all the wolves. Asked them what would happen and they immediately guessed "ecological disaster... the sheep starve". Gave them a few more examples: raise the minimum wage (had to explain what "minimum wage" was). A correctly guessed some employees might get laid off. I added that some businesses might shut down altogether...

How did we get from the health benefits of exercise to unemployment??? Oh, well...

What you do vs. Whom you do it with

I asked the kids what they thought was most important about a job. N quickly suggested having fund and making friends. I mentioned the stereotyped description that Americans decide WHAT do do, then find people to do it with, while Europeans decide WHOM to work with, then look for what to do with them. The boys thought the "American" approach was better. They said one could make new friends at work and continue to have fun with existing friends outside of work. I mentioned that while that was indeed ideal, time constraints sometimes mean one mostly spent time with those at work. I also mentioned how important it was to pay attention to whom one worked with. I mentioned that one criteria that I used before deciding whether I want to work with someone is whether I would like to have that person over for dinner at my place.

Happy Birthday M

Today is uncle M's bday. We called him from the car and the kids sang happy birthday to him. A very good use of the car's speakerphone...

We also spoke a bit about respect for those around you. P had to ask A to move his seat forward to make room for him (in my Mini) and I reminded A that he needed to be conscious of whether he was intruding in someone else's space - without the need for that person to point it out. Later N started singing annoyingly (same sentence over and over) and driving A crazy. I made the same point to N: he was intruding in our space by making noise in a confined environment. blah blah...

Cards from my kids...

Today is my bday so C took the kids to school... A programmed a greeting card for me using Flash. Check it out:

.

Notice his sleek AWP logo/initials :-).

N made a drawing of me kiteboarding while lots of people are pointing at me "because I am doing it so well"... Oh, yes, notice that I am eating a doughnut!



And here is a screen shot of the birthday game P made using Multimedia Fusion. Note the resemblance between me and the person in the game.

Down Payments

We started talking today about the Nobel Peace Prize that was just awarded to Obama. I told the kids that it felt to me like a "downpayment" - since he hasn't yet made any lasting contributions to World Peace (although we all hope he will).

We spoke about when it might make sense to pay for things in advance - as opposed to after the "services" or "products" have been received. In most situations, one must be careful about pre-paying, as one might not get what one expected - and would then have little recourse having paid for it. So it is most common to pay after the fact. Musica paga no suena.

However, there are situations in which paying up-front, or at least providing a "downpayment" makes sense. This could be when such a payment might motivate or encourage the recipient to provide a better service. I used the examples of restaurants. Imagine you travel to a foreign city and go to a fancy restaurant. You get good service and leave a good tip. What benefit did you get from giving the tip? None really. You do it out of fairness and goodwill. However, imagine that as you get to the restaurant you immediately give a tip to the hostess. You might then get the best table at the restaurant and a particularly atentive service (of course, you risk getting nothing in return, which is often the risk of prepaying).

Hopefully the Nobel will make Obama even more determined to work towards world piece...

one week to live

I wanted to get the kids thinking about the importance of making every day count. Didn't think it would be appropriate to tell them to imagine they would die soon - at least not in the individual sense. So I told them to imagine that a meteorite would strike the Earth in a week. This didn't seem to freak them out. A said he would stay home because the world would be in chaos. P & N spoke about toys & video games they would buy & play. C, who was catching a ride with me today, said she would fly her extended family to SF to spend time hanging out with them.

I then modified the scenario to one in which they were the only ones who knew about the meteorite. That way, there would be no chaos around. And I then further modified the scenario to one in which there was only a 10% chance of the meteorite hitting the Earth. The idea now being to force them to balance short term fun with long term consequences - of skipping school, for example.

We ran out of time so I plan to return to this topic. I am hoping that we can get into a habit, as a family, of doing truly meaningful things every week (if not every day). What would constitute "truly meaningful"? My initial thinking is:

1) Helping someone else, i.e., making the world a better place.
2) Having a great time, i.e., enjoying life.
3) Improving ourselves, i.e., making ourselves better people.

Grade Inflation

I read a story in the news today about the average rating on the internet being a 4.3 out of 5. Spoke with the kids about the meaning of a school where the average grade is 8/10 vs. one in which it is 5/10. Maybe the tests are tougher, maybe the children study less, maybe the teachers are worst... Same for a city in which the average restaurant rating is 4.5/5 vs. one in which it is 2/5. Maybe the restaurants are worst, maybe the citizens are all foodies, maybe they are just more critical...

Take away? When you see a 4.3 rating on Amazon (or Yelp), know that is an "average" rating. For something to be really good, the rating should be 4.5 or higher. And, of course, a 3 is pretty bad.

the power of control & possesion

I told the kids about an interaction I recently had with a developer that I work with. We've are modifying a web site and don't entirely agree on what to do. As we've been going back and forth more of his than mine ideas are getting implemented. Why? N came up with the answer right away: he is the one doing the changes! Sure enough, those who control the resources can have a larger influence than they would otherwise have... Of course, since in theory I have the decision authority, I can always enforce my point of view, but then it is important to "pick your battles"... We discussed this concept and I told the how my wife & I constantly have to pick our battles with them - even thought to them it might seem as if we pick every battle...

Back to controls & possession, I gave them two additional examples: money & real-estate. In negotiations that involve money changing hands, he who has the money has more power (regardless of what the contract might say), and he who is occupying a property, has more leverage than those who don't.

Zero tolarance for rude words

As we were getting into the car P had a few ugly words for N who was wearing P's hat (without P's permission). We spoke about how all five of us in the family sometimes yell or speaking with "ugly" words. I suggested that we should have zero tolerance for this. No matter what the situation might be, we should control the tone, loudness and politeness of our words. We all agreed. Easier said than done...

When to help friends

Yesterday's conversation about being with your friends during their special moments got us talking about when it was important to be with your friends. The kids agreed that supporting friends when they were having a hard time was important. I mentioned that it is not always easy to know when that was the case: as many people don't like asking for help or sharing the fact that they are having a tough time.

What to do then? Well, one should pay attention to the people one cares about. if their behavior or demeanor seems out of the ordinary, we should try to figure out what is going on. I stressed how body language is often more telling than words. And one shouldn't be too aggressive or invade their privacy: if a friend seems sad, maybe we can just be with them. Our company and support will probably help them more than our inquiries about what is happening. Maybe they don't want to discuss it, but we can still help them...

We also spoke about some people, particularly women, tend to ask for things indirectly. And how it is important to read between the lines.I know this is a stereotype, but while someone (a man?) might ask "can you please close the window" someone else (a woman?) might ask the same question by saying "it is cold, isn't it?". If we are truly listening we can understand this to be a request to close the window, which is easy enough to do...

The Hidden Value of Traditions

My friend S just had a baby boy. This Friday is his Brit (Jewish circumcision). The Brit really simplified my life - and I imagine S's as well. How? Well, I was trying to figure out when would be a good time to go visit and meet the baby. Now, I can simply go to the Brit. And for him, and his wife, they get to see all their friends and relatives at the same time and in a convenient place. Of course, the Brit has a religious and spiritual significance as well, but even putting those aside, traditions often have some very practical benefits...

I discussed this with the kids. We also spoke about the importance of being with your friends and relatives during moments that are important to them (be them happy or sad occasions). More about that tomorrow. A mile is a short distance...

Rudo & Cursi

I told the kids today about a movie C & I saw last night: Rudo & Cursi. It is a shame it is R, because it has some great lessons: one of the main characters losses all his money gambling, resulting in the loss of his job as the goalie of a professional soccer team. The other loses his pro soccer player job because he gets distracted by a girlfriend who is only after his fame & money. The movie is actually quite funny, btw. So, today's lesson: don't gamble (even if you start winning, things often end horribly wrong) and watch out for people who are nice to you because they are after some of your fame, money or some other non-intrinsic attribute.

Lecturing Day

A & P were late to the car despite many warnings. So it wasn't a fun ride. Just lectured them about the importance of doing what they know they have to do without the need for an adult to remind then five times (in an increasingly loud voice). Yeah, whatever...

Peanut Butter Jelly Time

We spoke about uniforms this morning. I suggested the good things about them was that one didn't need to spend any time thinking what to wear. Kids were unconvinced... We then came up with the idea of individualized uniforms: each chooses his own uniform. I asked each what his would be: P said his Peanut Butter Jelly Time t-shirt with some Blue pants. A said one oh Black & White t-shirts, preferably with a skull in it, and Black pants. N didn't know. He Said every day he just grab whatever without paying much attention anyway. Individualized uniforms... Maybe tomorrow I can explain what an oxymoron is...

opt-ins and opt-outs

I recently noticed a charge for $10 on my AT&T wireless bill for AT&T Navigator. Since I had not signed up for this service I contacted support. They explained they had given me a 30 day free trial which I didn't cancel & thus it became a paid subscription!!! At least they promptly offered to refund the months for which they had charged me. I explained to the kids how this is an extreme example of an opt-out policy, in which you are stuck with something until you opt-out. Compared this with the more user friendly opt-in approach, in which you only get what you ask for. This last approach doesn't work as well for the companies, since such a small percentage of customers opt into their offers...

The Neighbors Dilemma

Yesterday we got our neighbor's mail. We think they got ours. This made me think of the "prisoners dilemma" (http://su.pr/9DQSwP). So I presented the dilemma to the kids. They all said they would "play it safe" and confess to get the short sentence. I gave them a modified version with rewards instead of punishments, and still they played it safe - going for the guaranteed small reward. The issue might have been that even the number that I used for the "small" reward, $100K vs. $1MM, was pretty huge for them. I discussed the importance of each person's situation. For someone with $1MM in the bank, it might be worthwhile to risk getting nothing for the chance of another $1MM (vs. a guaranteed $100K), since that would have a material impact on their lifestyle.

I told them how many entrepreneurs face similar situations in the real world, having to decide between selling their companies for a modest gain vs. taking a chance and go for a possible huge gain.

We'll drop by our neighbors with their mail. Hopefully they'll give us ours...

Back to School

First day of 7th, 4th & 3rd grade today. Kids were pretty nervous about their classroom assignments. We spoke about why Summer vacation is so long - because kids used to be needed to help on the fields. It seemed like a perfectly good reason to them. No reason to change things now... Even if they could have shorter school days, they would not want to give up their long summer vacations.

N was placed with two of his best buddies. He was happy. P was not as lucky. At least he is with his soccer teammates. Will have to wait until the afternoon to find out how A did.

Capturing Special Moments

The kids are on Summer break so I wont be writing much until September... I did have something very special happen to me last week, and I thought I would write about it here.

The kids were at a sleepover Mountain Camp for the week so C & I took a last minute trip to the windiest place we could find with warm & flat water. That turned out to be Bonaire. We had a terrific week of non-stop kiteboarding. On the last day, I was the last one on the water - as it was almost 6pm and the rescue boat was already out. All of a sudden I hear C screaming at me (she had gotten out of the water 10 minutes before). At first, I thought she was telling me to get out of the water because there was no rescue boat. Then I saw splashing on the water, like when fish are feeding, and I thought there was a shark there. But then I realized there was a pack of dolphins next to me. I kiteboarded to them and they started to swim next to me. For the next 10 or so minutes I kiteboarded back and forth with the dolphins (somewhere between 10 and 20 of them) swiming next to and under me - as well as jumping around. They were so close I could almost touch them. And there were a couple of babies as well. I have seen dolphins before many times, including sailing next to them on sailboats. But kiteboarding with them was a truly surreal experience. One of those once-in-a-lifetime moments...

On shore, everyone was looking and C got the camera and took some video. But unfortunately I and the dolphins were too far from the shore and you can't see anything on the video. Bummer! How I wished I had a camera on my kite! Which brings me to the purpose for this post: we are pretty spoiled these days with photos and videos to capture our special moments, but what to do when there are no images? I guess a written description such as the one above is the best alternative. Like in the "old days"...

timely feedback

This morning N took his wallet with a few dollars to school to buy something at the bake sale. As we were getting into the car A told N that his wallet didn't suit him. This reminded me of the importance of being sensitive & timely when giving feedback or criticism. If you tell someone you don't like their wallet (or t-shirt or hat) when they will be wearing it all day there is a good chance they will feel bad that day. Instead, how about saving the feedback for a time when the person can do something about it ,e.g., take off the t-shirt or not put it on in the first place?

Of course in many situations the person wont take the criticsm personally and timing wont matter, and in others they will feel bad regardless, but I have found that there are better and worst times for giving feedback if one is concerned about the other person's well being.

overbooking & orders of magnitude

Every morning I give the kids a five minute warning to get in the car. Yet many mornings I end up waiting for one of them. On Friday, as I was waiting for A, I thought I would start telling them to be ready five minutes before we would actually leave so that hopefully by the time I got to the car they would all be there. I mentioned this to them and told them about overbooking by airlines. They were not familiar with this "practice" of selling more seats than are available with the expectation that some people won't show up. We also spoke a bit about the capacity of commercial jets: some guessed 100 other 1000.

This reminds me that the other day I spoke to them about "orders of magnitude". I had a chemistry professor in college who would tell us that all he wanted us to know were the order of magnitude of the responses. It was OK if we answered 40 when the actual number was 60, but not if we answered 50 when the answer was 5 or 500. This is obviously of particular relevance in chemistry where you talk about the size of atoms and molecules, and the time it takes for physical reactions to take place. Most people, me included, can't guess (or remember) the right order of magnitude for the size of a molecule... Can you? But this applies as well to more day-to-day topics, such as the size of an airplane...

latitude & gdp

I was having a hard time getting work done during this week's heat wave in SF. I told the kids that there is a strong correlation between the latitude of a place and its economic development. It seems that the hotter it gets, the slower people do things. Even within specific countries (I am thinking of Italy's Norrth & South, for example) the more "tropical" regions are less "developed". Of course, too much cold is also a problem: not much development in Siberia or Antartica... And, air conditioning might change this over time...

Dead Mosquitoes

We had a great party at the house on Sunday. Unfortunately, we kept the door to the yard open for hours and the house got filled with mosquitoes. Last night, for the second night in a row, A escaped the mosquitoes in his room and went to sleep in the guest room. This morning, M expressed surprise, saying she had killed a whole bunch of mosquitoes yesterday. This is a perfect example of a situation in which what you 'accomplish' is irrelevant. The only thing that matters is what you don't accomplish. Who cares how many mosquitoes you killl if you leave some alive? It only takes one mosquitoe to keep you awake at night! It is not how many you kill that matters, but how many remain alive.

We discussed a more amusing example of this premise: going to the bathroom. What matters is not how much #2 you make, but how much (hopefully none) you leave inside... Kids liked this example :-).

Too much information

P was trying to pick a nerf gun for his birthday. We went to Amazon and checked the reviews. Each time he thought he had found one he wanted, we would discover problems through the reviews. He became really frustrated (althogh eventually found one that looks promising). I am having the same problem trying to decide which kitesurf to purchase: each person that I speak with swears by one brand or model, and tells me about all the problems with all the others. What to do?

No easy answer... One must keep the magnitude of the purchase in perspective, choosing a house or a car is one thing, but one should only do so much research for a $25 toy. Whenever possible, seeing and touching the product directly can make a big difference. I remember when shopping for a sailboat, what really helped was to get on board and go for a sail. P also suggested finding someone you really trust who can give you advice.

OK, now I got to go back to my research on the kite. Will it be the Slingshot, the RRD, the Naish...

Supply & Demand

This morning N saw a poster for an exhibit at the Legion of Honors. The poster featured a Faberge Egg. We spoke about how art collecting could be very cool as it might combine the enjoyment of art (sculpture, paintings) with their appreciation in value. This led to a discussion of how supply and demand determine prices. I was surprised to find out that A already had a firm grasp of the supply and demand concept. I guess it was a relevant conversation for the current times of economic and financial uncertainty...

avoiding bad moods

I am in a bad mood today. Couple of work related problems that I can't get out of my mind... I asked the kids for advice: what do they do when they want get beyond a bad mood? A gave me great advice: distract yourself with something else. For example, play a computer game... This is definitely the right approach. We can't rationalize ourselves out of bad moods (the rider can't "force" the elephant to change course) but we can certainly get our minds into something else (trick the elephant to do what you want). OK, now which game should I play...?

I Do - Committment & Consistency

P asked me why during wedding ceremonies the bride and groom have to say 'I do'. "They obviouly want to get married, or they wouldn't be there!" I found this to be a very astute observation. I explained to him that the point was for them to make a PUBLIC committment, so that when things got tough for them as a couple - as they always do - they would be more likely to stick with the relationship. Psychologists have studied the impact of making public committments, but it is impressive that thousands of years ago societies had already figured it out.

I told the kids how when I was in graduate school and tempted to take a cushy high paying job I told all my classmates that I was going to start a company. Having done so made it much harder for me to do something else... On the flip side, one must be careful not to let public comittments influence us to stick with things we should not. For example, telling all our friends that we'll climb a mountain, then realizing that such a climb would be more dangerous than we thoght, yet doing it anyway because we publicly committed to doing it.

Too much complaining

I read this morning about an organization with the goal of reducing the chronic complaining in our society. Members get a rubber wristband that they must change from one arm to the other every time they complain about something. The goal is to go for as many days as possible without moving the band.

I suggested to the kids that we do this as a family: all five of us put on a rubber band and see who has to switch it the fewest number of times in a month.

On the flip side, another organization (or maybe it was the same one) encourages members to acknowlege the good things in their lifes - and do so often. Doesn't need to be anything major. You could be thankful for the weather, having a roof, or even clean air...

The kids were thankful for their nice family, nice house & good friends :-)

the essence of a good vacation

This morning we spoke about the spring break vacation. I told the kids that I had recently figured out what the essence of a good vacation was for me: not having to think about what we are going to do each day. This translates into "activity" vacations in which each day's "plan" is known in advance. Snowboarding, sailing, kitesurfing, hiking, biking... N didn't see the problem with having to decide each day whether we were going to visit this or that atraction. I reminded him that that was probably because he was not the one deciding, planning, buying the tickets, driving, etc.

To my surprise, A said he felt the same as me. P said he likes flat water (to learn to kitesurf), a pool, and friendly people. Oh, and they all agreed that a big breakfast buffet is a must!

Elephants

The kids were talking about elephants today. I told them about the five blind men describing an elephant based on the part of the elephant's body that they were touching. How there is often at least some amount of truths in each person's story and how one must combine everyone's stories to reach one's own conclusion. I spoke a bit about the need to determine how reliable each person is. For example, if one of the five men was not blind and we knew who he was, we would rely more on his description of the elephant than on the others.

Labour Costs in Phoenix

In a couple of weeks I am going to Phoenix for a meeting of one of the companies that I am involved with. The company is based in the SF Bay Area, but most of its employees are now in Phoenix. I asked the kids if they could guess why... A said maybe we needed people who spoke with a "Phoenix accent". I explained that the cost of leaving there is significantly lower than in the Bay Area and that we can hire better people at a lower cost there than here...

you are screwed vs. I screwed-up

P told A this morning that he was 'screwed'. C told P not to use such foul language and N said that Obama had said that he "screwed up". Well, my first point was that even the smartest and best educated people sometimes lost their temper and used foul language. And, second, that there was a difference between saying that "I screwed up" and that "you are screwed". The latter being more offensive language because it was directed at someone else - while the former was directed at oneself. Not sure if I believe this, though ;-). It does seem like one is given more leeway when being self-critical than when criticizing others. Right?

My priorities are more important than yours...

Short one today: N was counting the minutes until we arrived to school keeping track of how much time he would have to play in the yard before classes started. A said he had a more important reason to arrive early: he needed to prepare his supplies for his first class. So we spoke a bit about how we shouldn't use our personal situations to judge other people's priorities. We each have things that are important for us, and while they might not seem important to others, what matters is how important they are to that individual. Compared to the responsibilities of the president of the United States, most of our priorities might seem meaningless. But they are not. As Einstein would say (or did he?), it is all relative. We should respect WHATEVER it is that is important to others, and not treat our own priorities as more (or less) important.

acceleration

It is now well understood that our happiness is much more affected by CHANGES to our situation than to the ABSOLUTE level of our well being. To explain this to the kids I used the analogy of how our body senses acceleration, say in a car or plan, but doesn't feel the absolute speed we are traveling at. We feel acceleration from zero to 25 miles per hour, yet we feel nothing if we are steadily traveling at 500 MPH.

In a similar fashion, we are affected by our personal gains and losses, but get used to whatever level becomes steady state - whether for our material well being or even for how many friends we have or how we do at school. P said he constantly gets happines out of his friendship with his best friend. I said that is probably because their relationship is growing and improving. They do new things together. This took the conversation a bit towards those things that give us pleasure, which tend to be the ones that constantly evolve and grow. For example, playing the piano is satisfying as long as one is learning new songs. When they just learn a new song, they get pleasure out of this change (from not knowing it to knowing it). If they played the same song allo the time they would get bored (no acceleration). The same applies to sports, programming, playing with Lego, drawing...

Paying your taxes

I told the kids about the recent incident with former senator Daschle, who Obama had nominated for health secretary. Daschle had failed to report the income that a car and driver represented, and pay the appropriate taxes. He had to withdraw from the nomination for health secretary...

So I reminded the kids of my cardinal rule for judging questionable actions (not that cheating with your taxes is anything but "Black and White"). If you wouldn't want to read about it on the front page of your newspaper, don't do it. Actions that might appear to have small consequences at the time can snowball to have huge (and very nasty consequences). A few days later Michael Phelps got into trouble, and had his Kellogs sponsorship canceled, for smoking marihuana in public...

I also told the kids about the time the IRS audited me. They checked every account and every document for that year. It was painful. Fortunately, I had paid all my taxes in full and they closed the audit without requiring to pay anything extra.

Play the Odds

A bit of talk about gambling today... We've been telling A to talk with one of his teachers about an issue he is having. He won't talk to his teacher. I think he doesn't think it will help - plus, he is probably embarassed to do so.

So we discussed the possible outcomes of having such a conversation:

- Possibility 1: he gets no benefit.
- Possibility 2: he gets a small benefit, e.g., a good suggestion from his teacher.
- Possibility 3: he gets a large benefit, e.g., his teacher gives him better grades.

I emphasized that none of the possible outcomes had a negative value. Thus, even though he might think that the most likely outcome is zero, the fact that the possibility of positive outcomes exists makes this a worthwhile thing to do. Its value is the probababilty of each outcome mutiplied by each outcome's value.

I compared this with the value of a bet: heads you get $1. Tails you get nothing. A immediately knew the value of such a bet was 50 cents. And he understood it was worth betting up to 49 cents in such a bet. We spoke about other types of bets, e.g., the lottery, and about how ussually their cost is higher than their value.

Of course, one thing is understanding this "stuff", and a very different one is talking with your teacher... Oh, well.

Flow

So after a few days of fairly "light" conversations - with the one exeption of a brief discussion about watching out for confabulations - I decided to have a serious conversation this morning. We spoke about FLOW. How one must try to find it in the things one does. What is flow? When you are so focused on what you are doing that your mind has no room for anything else. This requires several things:

- A challenge that keeps us from getting bored.
- The skills to raise to the challenge - or we get frustrated and anxious.
- Focusing on the task at hand, not its consequences or benefits

While certain activities are particularly condusive to flow, for example, in my case, skiing deep powder or kiteboarding in great conditions, one can get some amount of flow from almost any activity. Even washing the dishes (according to P & N there is a character in Lilo & Stich that loves cleaning). Just focus on what you are doing and do the best you can.

N said he is often in flow at school when doing math. And everytime he skis. The kids understood the point of all this: to feel better about ourselves and live our lives to their fullest potential. They also guessed the one activity that most people in the US devote a huge amount of time which is least condusive to flow: watching TV.

watch what you say (and write)

We spoke today about how the Internet has made so much information publicly available. And not always for the best... I once I had a somewhat tense email exchange with a competitor. Fortunately, I didn't say anythin inapropriate because he published those emails online and they show up is you search for my name on Google.

So, whenever you write an email imagine that it might become public... We spoke about technologies for "recalling" and "expiring" emails. Someday, I imagine these will work. Today they don't.

What got this topic started? I was telling the kids that I was tempted to send a nasty reply to a rude email from a customer, but then I thought better of it. Who knows who might have a popular blog where my reply might be posted out of context?

As I told them this N immediately said: just like you told us about being nice to all drivers - since you don't know who is behind the wheel. Wow! They are listening!!!

2009 Goals

We are back from a terrific vacation! P wasn't feeling well today, and we suggested he stay home, but he didn't want to miss the first day of school of 2009. We spoke about goals for the new year. P wants to finish the series of books he is reading (I believe he has 7 more to go). N wants to travel a lot, particularly to the Cook Islands ;-). I said I want to learn how to medidate and how to do a back loop (kiteboarding). I asked the boys if they knew what meditation was and N went "ommmmmm".

Should wearing sunscrean be legally mandated?

As we got into the car there was a Banana Republic commercial on the radio. P thought that was funny so I explained that it was the name of a clothing store, but, more importantly, what the meanting of that expressions was. Talking about banana republics reminded me of the Caribbean and of the missinformation I had given the kids about Bob Marley. I corrected it and explained that he died of skin cancer, not a drig overdose.

I said he probably spent lots of time on the Sun without sunscreen. The kids asked if wearing sunscreaning when on the Sun was the law. like wearing seatbelts. A said that it should be, since one would certainly get sunburned without sunscreen, while one might not get hurt from not wearing a seatbelt (unless one was in an accident). yet we all agreed enforcement would be too difficult, "of course I put sunscreen on this morning officer"... Maybe people should be forced to wear rashguards!

negotiating and anchoring

Today we spoke about bargaining. How sometimes (as in the Bazar in Jerusalem) those selling start from a very high asking price and might make buyers feel great about the 50% (or even 90%) discount they are getting even though they are paying way too much. Anchoring... you start the negotations from an anchor and the other party measures his progress against it. Of course this technique can also be used by the buyers "you want 1000 shekels for that scarf? I'll give you 10...".

I told them your best friend when negotiating is information. If you know how much the seller paid for the item, you know what a reasonable price for it would be... And of course, if you know how much the buyer or sellers needs the deal, you know how much you can bargain...

behaving inside a car

Last night A & N got in trouble for fighting inside the car. A was furios at the punishment we gave him which he felt was unfair. Thinking about it I realized we punish them a lot in the car - relative to the limited amount of time that we spend in the car. I believe this is because the car is a confined space in which I am busy driving and can't take my time to deal with them. When they are fighting in the car I often need to to stop right away. This results in a warning followed by a punishment (when they don't stop their inapropriate behavior).

By contrast, we rarely punish them when we are in a park or even playing a board game in the living room. In those settings they can get away with much more... My advice to them this morning was to be more sensitive to their setting. Parents have much shorter fuses when we are driving a car than when we are playing in a park.

Stick to What You Know

Today A has a dancing party. I told the kids the story of when I had a moving disco business during high school (in Venezuela). We would take our huge stereos, lights, music, etc. to parties and make pretty good money. It was the early eighties and we played disco music. We once got a call asking us if we played Salsa & Merengue. We said yes and were hired - but did not have a single merengue or salsa album. We went to a record store and bought a bunch of salsa and merengue records. As you might imagine, the party was a disaster. We had no clue about which songs to play, and, worst still, we didn't know that you don't mix one salsa song with the next (the way you do for disco). The lesson? Stick to what you know. For everyone's sake!

I sometimes get calls from prospective customers. They are willing to give me money, but I know they are not the "right" customers for me and I turn them down. It is hard turning business down, but it is sometimes the right thing to do. You don't want unhappy customers.

Leading by Example

Today we discussed the best way of teaching. Is it by talking? By showing? By letting the "students" practice for themselves? It obviously depends on the subject, but we agreed that a combination of showing and then having the students try for themselves - then receive feedback was usually a good approach. We also spoke about teaching by example: which Cindy & I try to do all the time with the kids. Turning off the lights when leaving a room, saying please & thank you, cleaning after ourselves, etc, etc.

I told them that there are a few things that I do which wouldn't set a good example [I will not discloses the specifics in this blog ;-)]. I make sure that if I have to do them, I do these things in private.

I wonder how long it will be until one of the kids scolds me for giving a bad example. Probably not long. Can I say "do as I say, not as I do"? We spoke about this a bit. It depends on the circumstances. I have no excuse for leaving my bedroom's light on, but there are good reasons (I think) for me to spend more time in front of my computer than we allow them to - or to go to bed later.

Recycling

Yesterday I replaced the toner cartridges on my Brother laser printer. When I first opened the box for each cartrige I saw Brother's notice not to dump the used toners in landfill but to recycle them. My initial reaction was something like "easy to say, but what a hassle". But then I was pleasantly surprised to find a pre-paid postage sticker to send the used cartridges back to Brother (using the boxes from the new cartridges). I told this to the kids and described it as "putting your money where your mouth is". Brother shows real committment by spending money to help its customers recycle the cartridges. Of course, this is probably a smart investment as it should generate goodwill from customers (it sure did for me). We discussed a few other examples of following words with actions...

I mentioned to the kids that I would write about it in my blog, which might help the Brother brand - given than I have such a large audience (not). The kids wanted to know if Brother read all their customers' blogs. I explained that there are services that track online mentions of brands, althought with a brand such as Brother, they probably get lots of false positives.

[Later in the day my friend Joe suggested that Brother might reuse the cartridges, so that they might actually be saving money! Maybe, but they are still making it really easy for their customers to recycle...]

Jury Duty

I had to report for jury duty today. We discussed what it is and why it is important. The kids asked if one got paid for it. I said no, and one probably should. I also suggested that jury judy should be voluntary.

We then joked a bit about ways to get oneself excused from trials that looked like they might take a long time. My favorite was not to bathe for a week... One has to be careful with what one says, as one is under oath and on public records...

As a matter of fact I got assigned to a trial that was estimated to last 3 weeks. I asked to be excused because I am going on a trip in two weeks. I was, but will have to return in 90 days. Maybe I wont bathe between now and then...

Mahler's Second Symphony

Today I told the kids the story of Gilbert Kaplan, an economist who fell in love with Mahler's 2nd Symphony. He kept attending performances and learning about it. After a few years he was invited to conduct a private performance of the symphony and did such a good job that he then started to get offers to conduct major orchestras. He is now considered the best conductor of this symphony and its foremost expert. He bought the original score with Mahler's handwritten notes...

My take away for the kids: keep an eye open to the things that might inspire you. Even if they are not part of your "day job", they might become very important for you and a key source of satisfaction. They might even become your "day job". We spoke a bit as well about whether it is important to be very good at those things that we are passionate about. I said that only if being good was necessary to enjoy them. If you cannot enjoy something because you are not good at it, then you might want to look for something else. But if you enjoy it despite not being very talented at it, then that is what counts.

Explaining ourselves

One of the kids got invited to a sleepover at a classmate's - not really a friend. We didn't want him to go, and he wasn't crazy about going either. The reason, which I will not describe here, could have made the classmate feel bad. So I discussed with the kids what to do in situations such as this one. I gave them 4 choices:

1) Go to the sleepover - so as not to make the other kid feel bad.
2) Don't go and spell out the reason - even if that hurts the kid.
3) Don't go but don't spell out the reason - simply say you can't go.
4) Don't go and make up an excuse - e.g., I have another committment that day.

N suggested 1. He hates making people feel bad. P suggested 4. I guess he also wanted to avoid making the other kid feel bad. I disagreed with them. Told them we shouldn't do what we don't want to do and we shouldn'e make up false excuses either. To me, the two valid options were 2 & 3, and I strongly favored 3. I've found that people often provide more explanations for their behavior than is necessary. In this particular case, there was no point in making the other kid feel bad. Simply saying we couldn't go was sufficient. I mentioned to them that I often use the explanation "for personal reasons". This is a way of saying that while there is a good reason for my behavior, the specifics are a private/personal matter.

I discouraged them from making up excuses, as not only it is wrong to lie (even with good intentions), but this often results in the need for more lies to cover the previous lies. And, eventually, the truth often comes out making the situation twice as bad. Maybe the initial lie was truly "harmless", but often there is a snowball effect that makes subsequent lies worst and worst.

I also discouraged them from simply going to the sleepover (in this example) to avoid facing the facts. If they wanted to go for real, maybe because they really cared about their classmate and wanted to do something for them, that would be fine. But to do things just to avoid facing a potentially uncomfortable situation or to possibly hurt someone, is to let other people and external ciscumstances dictate our actions. Not good. We should determine our actions based on our own priorities and preferences.

movies vs. books - and Bob Marley...

This morning we talked about movies were better than their respective books - or vice-versa. It was a pretty lively discussion with lots of pros and cons thrown around...

A thought books were better because movies showed things in only one way, while books let you imagine things the way you want. Also, movies don't contain all the details and information that books have. N said movies that don't originate from a book are better than the book, since the book doesn't exist(!).

P said it depended on the specific book or movie. I agreed: I prefer movies for action /special effect stories, and books for more complex subjects.

N said the issue with movies is that you after you finish watching one you want to watch anoter. I said the same is true for good books...

Oh, and we also spoke about Bob Marley & Jamaica (since they were playing Buffalo Soldier on the radio). I incorrectly told the kids that he died from a drug overdose. I just double checked wikipedia and found out he died from cancer (melanoma) which he refused to treat due to religious reasons... I guess I need to correct this missinformation.

helping others & cushions

Today we continued with our conversation about using some of our time & money to help others. I suggested that a starting point might be to determine how much of our time & money we truly neede to accomplish those things that are important for us. I asked them if they thought we could then allocate the remaining to others. P said yes, but A suggested leaving a cushion, "in case things cost more than anticipated".

This led to a good discussion of cushions, e.g., how much extra money to take on a field trip. We discuss the risk of having too much of a cushion, i.e, that we might end up spending more than we need to. But we agreed some amount of cushion was always a good idea.

Back to helping others, I said the problem with devoting our "extra" time & money is that, no matter how much of them we have, we can often find good things to do with all of our time & money. So I suggested establishing a small but consistent "quota" of our time & money that we should always devote to helping others. I also mentioned that helping others helps ourselves as well: we feel good when we've help others. So even from a selfish point of view it remains the smart thing to do...

How big should that quota be? I don't know. We are out of time. Of to school they go...

brainstorming & helping others

A had a dilema in school. A classmate, not really a friend, asked him to be his teamate for a science project. The kid is one of the worst students in the class and A didn't particularly looked forward to working with him. But he felt maybe he should do it to help him...

So today I wanted to talk about how to determine how much of one's time and resources to devote to helping others, vs helping ourselves. I started the conversation asking for ideas. P suggested devoting 2/3 of one's money to helping others. A immediately jumped in saying that was way too much. I took advantage of this to talk about how to brainstorm. To my suprise, they knew what brainstorming was. But they didn't know one of its most important rules: all ideas should be considered. Don't put others' ideas down, instead, simply propose your own ideas.

After the "brainstorm 101" discussion there wasn't much time left for our original discussion. P said that Bill Gates gave away most of his money, hence his 2/3 suggestion. A explained that since Bill Gates is so reach, he can give a much higher percentage of his money away than most other people.

We'll have to revisit this conversation next week...

Saving Face

This morning P couldn't find his allowance. He thought N had taken it from where P left it and acused N of doing so. That got quite a fight going...

In the car we calmly discussed this. It became clear that there was a small chance that N might have taken P's money by mistake. I told P that, regardlesss of whether N had taken the money or not, or regardless of whether he had done it accidentaly or on purpose, P would be much better off if he took a non-confrontational approach. He could ask N, for example, if there was a chance that N took the money by mistake. That approach was more likely to generate N's cooperation rather than to put him in a defensive position (which an aggresive acusation obviously did). And, if it turned out that N didn't take the money, but that something else happened to it, P wouldn't have uneceseraily and unjustly offended N.

I told them how even when they were certain someone else had done something wrong (and done so intentionaly), they stood a much better chance of resolving the situation by giving the offender a "face saving" exit. For example, by saying "Bob, do you think you might have inadvertently taken my ball" instead of saying "Bob, I know you took my ball. Where is it?". Besides, even when we are "sure" someone did something, we are sometimes wrong...

Rude drivers & strangers

Today I told the kids about the time I was driving to the office when a rude driver cut me off. Half an hour later, to my astonishment, the rude driver walked into my office for a job interview. He didn't get the job. But the story gets better: he got a job with one of my most important clients and was put in charge of working with my company! Fortunately, I had not been rude with him (which had taken a lot of self-control). So we kept his company as a client. This is a true story...

So, when a stranger does something bad to you, think twice before insulting him or punching him in the face. First of all, you shouldn't match the bad behavior of others. And, as my story shows, you don't always know who they are or who they might become.

cars

Today we spoke about cars. N thinks they are so cool. A doesn't: all that polution simply to get to where you are going faster than if you walked. I mentioned that most people simply couldn't get to where they normally go by foot, but sure enough it would be better if they used some non poluting public transportation.

N suggested electric cars were the answer, but A pointed out that generating the electricity to charge the cars generated polution (I was impressed!). I told them about a recent article I read about some huge batteries that are being tested to store energy from wind turbines and solar cells.

I suggested we all start walking to school every day but they were not convinced...

Bigger, Stronger, Faster

Last night C & I saw a great movie: Bigger, Stronger, Faster. It is about the use of "performance enhancing drugs". I discussed some of the "lighter" points with the kids this morning. Spoke about how some athletes use special drugs to enhance their performance and how most are banned. But things are not as Black and White as one would like. For example, Tiger Woods had eye surgery to improve his vision. Obviously, vision is key for a golfer, so couldn't this be considered cheating? Could a weight lifter undergo surgery to enlarge his muscles? Probably not...

And what about the athletes who sleep in altitude chambers to increase their Red blood cells. That is legal, but a drug that has the same effect is not...

Difficult issues... The movie showed a genetically engineered cow that looked like a weight lifter. A mentioned he once saw the picture of a genetically eginered dog that look like that. The kids will probably have to deal with issues such as genetic enginering and other things that don't yet exist when they grow up...

No Surprises

We found out yesterday that one of the kids, who shall remain nameless, was keeping some bad news from us. So today I "lectured" them about the importance of communicating bad news as soon as possible to the "relevant parties".

I told them how I always tell the entrepreneurs that I work with never to surprise their boards (of directors). Convey the bad news right away. I don't know if the following is a true statistic, but it seems like the majority of people (politicians, businessmen, athletes, you name it) who "get in trouble" do so for covering up their mistakes, not for the mistakes themselves.

Remembering names

No blogging last week as the kids were on their October break...

I told them this morning about my challenge remembering people's names. I am terrible at it! Whenever I am at an event with C, I ask her to introduce herself to people that we meet "Hi, I am C". This forces the other person to say "Hello, I am so and so" before it becomes obvious that I didn't remember their name...

The truth is many times I do remember people's names, but I am not 100% certain I have it right. And I am afraid I'll call them by a different name...

Anyway, the kids thought this was very amusing.

Non verbal communications, first impressions and stereotypes

I was reading this morning about some research on non-verbal communications. They did a study, at MIT I believe, of individuals pitching business plans. Those who provided the most energetic and compeling presentations, as measured by cues unrelated to the actual content, did the best. I told this to the kids... We also spoke about first impressions, and how most people judge others during the first few seconds that they meet them. I told them that is why they should behave very well during the 1st day of school, so that all their teachers form a good impression about them.

P told me how he knew right away that a certain old man was nice. I asked him how he knew and he said that old men are all nice. This got us talking about stereotypes and their risks. I don't think I managed to get my point across to P & N that not all old men are nice... Oh well, I'll need to think about how to revisit this topic of stereotypes...

Listening, Learning & Teaching

P was having a hard time with his piano piece of the week this morning. He was playing some notes incorrectly and wouldn't believe me when I told him so. In the car we spoke about learning, listening & teaching. I told them how important it was to be able to to teach, and the difficulty of finding the right balance between doing someone's work vs. not helping them enough.

I told them that when deciding who to work with I look for people who are good listeners and to whom I can teach something. Working with people who won't listen (either because they don't want to or because they can't) is very frustrating, while seeing people improve thanks to one's help is extremely rewarding. I also look for people who can teach me things...

Sliding doors

C's car is in the shop. She got a mini-van rental in the meantime. N likes it better than C's car. He particularly likes the sliding doors. We all agreed sliding doors are very practical and it is a shame more cars don't have them. Is it because they would be perceived as mini-vans and un-sporty? We also wished there were cars surronded with rubber and built so that minot bumps with other cars or objects wouldn't damage them. Like bumper cars... Maybe by the time the kids are driving (I sure hope so!).

Folklorik music

Last night we went to see Carlos Orozco, a Venezuela harp player. Most impressive... We discussed whether he was playing the high notes with his left hand and the low notes with the right because he is a lefty, or whether all harpist play like that... P brough up that he is a leftie, which is an advantage in many sports... We compared the harp with the piano. A asked what type of instrument the piano is. I thought a string instrument, but need to check Wikipedia.

Vertigo

I woke up with Vertigo today. It is the 2nd time this happens to me. I don't mind the spining, but the fact that I then get sea sick :-(. So, it was a pretty quiet ride this morning. We concluded that A is a night person, P is a morning person, and N is a middle of the day person. We also heard some Van Morrison which reminded the kids of August Rush. N wants to see it again. P wishes it had not ended where it did, but showed their life after they are reunited... I said maybe they'll do August Rush 2 :-).

Leonardo

I saw an advertisement for a Leornardo Da Vinci exhibition at The Tech Museum. We spoke about all the amazing things that Leonardo did. I said that today, one had to specialize. A wanted to know why. I told him to imagine a large canvas in which a city had to be painted. The first person who starts painting on it can paint all over the canvas. But after 25 people join the process and fill most of the canvas, you would be limited to painting in a small section (wherever you could squeeze in). There would be little White space, so you would probably end up picking a detail and working on it. I also used the design of a car as an example: if someone worked exclusively on one componet, say the steering wheel, he would likely do a better job than someone who was designing an entire car, including a steering wheel, from scratch.

P & N thought Iron Man was smarter than Da Vinci. A argued for Da Vinci, because he built his inventions from scratch - rather than assemble them from existing components like Iron Man. N correctly guessed that Da Vinci was from Italy. Ciao.

Following your bliss

C & I have been watching a great documentary about Joseph Campbell. One of the things he talks about is following your bliss. Today we spoke about that... About the importance of knowing what one's bliss is and of pursuing it. If we are fortunate, we might be able to make a living out of our passion. If not, we should still make time in our lives for the things that truly fullfil us.

I was glad to hear that N thought that we (note the plural refering to our family) were already following our bliss. P said his were science & piano. A was quiet... I asked if he was thinking about the inmortality of the crab (La inmortalidad del cangrejo). This generated much laughter. I think A is a night person, much more so than a morning person. Unlike P, who sets his alarm clock at 6am and wakes up before C & I do!

pool or jacuzzy

This morning P asked me why we don't buy a pool. I told him that a) we have no room for one, and b) SF doesn't have very good pool weather. A then suggested a jacuzzy: "we can put it in the yard". I don't know where they got this idea but it sure made for a fun conversation. very appropriate for a Monday morning...

The players make the coach

I was telling the kids about a great lunch meeting I had yesterday: I hosted the founders of five of the start-ups that I am involved with. They are all monetizing their audiences with advertising but each is taking a different approach as has different challenges. It was a lot of fun to help them learn from one another...

The kids didn't understand why that was fun. How can work be fun? I used the analogy of a soccer team. I imagine that coaches derive fun from watching their players learn. But they probably derive even more fun from watching their players learn from one another. They kids agreed it would be more for the coach if players with particular strenghths teach the other players as opposed to the coach having to personally teach everything.

I said the best coaches can often be judged by their players: the better the players, the better the coach. A disagreed: what about a lousy but luck coach who gets great players? Well, the best players are unlikely to want to play for a lousy coach. And great coaches often attract good players...

favors

I asked the kids what they thought was better: to make a favor for someone or to receive a favor. They asked for an example. Taking turns with a toy. They said both people could use it. It took me a while to push to the point where only one person could use the toy that day.

I suggested letting the other person have the first turn was a better route. For a number of reasons: making others hapy often gives us happiness. It is good to be generous. And, finally, assuming the other person was "fair", the next time around it would be our turn. So letting others go first is like saving, while going first is like getting in debt.

7 Weeks On, 1 Week Off

The kids go to a French school. The French believe kids should not be in school for more than seven weeks at a time. So we have a week off in October, two in December, one in February and one and a half in April. Then of course three months in the summer... Last time we went on a trip the kids complained about not having enough say as to our destination... So today I asked them what they want to do during the upcoming October break.

P wants to stay in SF to go to his gym's Hallowen party. N wants to go play with surfboards in Hawaii, he also liked the idea of visiting his cousins in Miami. P could also go car-camping (no hiking for him!). A isn't sure... he would probably be happy anywhere as long as he is with W or has a computer. Of course C & I want to kitesurfing. Decisions, decisions...

Yesterday we spoke about cancelation policies. How more customer friendly policies, such as full refund if there is no wind for the kitesurfing lesson, are expensive in the short term but usually pay off long term by generating happy customers and good word of mouth.

Allowances & credit cards

Mondays mornings are the toughtest - particularly after a weekend alone with the kids. So I was hoping for a "light" topic today. But I had no such luck... P asked for his allowance. I handed him my wallet and asked him to take his 8 dollars (and his brothers' money). Unfortunately, I only had $4 in my wallet. A said he would just take my credit card and we got talking about credit cards and debit cards.

I kept it simple: pay your balance right away to avoide getting into debt and paying interests. They wanted to know why some people didn't do that. I explained some people needed extra money one month (credit) for a special ocasion or need, and would pay it in the future. Of course, others simply got into the bad habit of living beyond their means.

They wanted to know what happened if one couldn't pay one's credit cards. I explained that the 1st thing was that the cards were taken away and one had to figure out how to live without them. Then, you might need to sell your car or house to pay them, and, worst case, those things might even be take away from you. P joked about evil parents selling their kids (I hope that has nothing to do with C & I!).

A wanted to know why P & N get more allowance money now than he when he was their age. I honestly don't remember how much we gave A at this age, but I needed a quick answer because we were arriving at school so I said it was because of inflation. The real reason, of course, is that 1st borns are guinea pigs... We probably had no clue of how much to give him as an allowance. Our current rule: $1 per year of age.

WAMU

The kids have their savings at WAMU (Washington Mutual). I told them that WAMU went bankrupt yesterday... Fortunately, their money was guaranteed by the US government which negotiated a sale of WAMU to JP Morgan. So they should not be affected in any way.

Their first question was whether only their branch or the entire bank had been affected... They then wanted to understand how a bank could go under. I gave them a simplified explanation of the current crisis in the financial industry, and explained the fact that most people borrow money to buy their homes.

They inquired about our ability to pay our mortgage and were relieved to hear that we wont have to move anytime soon... We all agreed that our house is a great house.

Win-wins and Zero-Sum Situations

P told me about the complex exchange of toys that he and his friends were working on. He would give one of his characters to J who in turn would give one to M who would then give one to P. The end result: they would all end up happier than before. I told them this was called a win-win situation: an exchange (or transaction) after which all the participants were better off.

I contrasted this with "zero-sum" situations in which what benefited one person hurt another, such as when allocating a fix amount of money. I explained how school grading can sometimes be zero-sum, when done with a curve. Only so many students would get an A, and a given student getting an A meant that some other student would not. Luckly for them, their current grading doesn't seem to be by curve: when they get things right they get As...